ATTRACTION

Interactive blogging - as we answer another blogger's questions and decide to share the conversation on our blog as well.

In reading a fellow blogger's post entitled, "Straight questions" - I (Mrs. I Define Me) sorta got carried away (can you imagine that?! ;)  )  in responding to his questions, and I probably didn't really even exactly answer his question anyway, but Mr. I Define Me and I decided to share the thoughts that we shared on Who Me?'s blog, with our readers here, because we had been planning on eventually writing about the subject of attraction anyway.

Here's the link to Who Me?'s post.....

http://gayoriented.blogspot.com/2013/03/straight-questions.html#comment-form

And here's my response....

These are good questions.  I hope a lot of people comment on this and share their feelings.

My husband and I have talked extensively about this very subject.  Some time ago, we watched a couple of documentaries on 'the science of attraction', (gotta love the learning channel), and then, we did a lot of reading about the subject when we were traveling recently.  So, we really opened up to each other, (which we are really good at anyway), and came to some interesting conclusions that may or may not be similar to the average individual, but seem to make much sense for us.  So I will share some of our thoughts on attraction, for what it's worth.

It was interesting as we compared exactly 'what types' of individuals we were each attracted to, and our unique reasons 'why'.  I realized that I am attracted to 'kinda big' guys who are tall, strong, (muscles are good but it's not about the muscles - no need to be 'buff' but just definitely NOT 'thin', some extra meat on the bones and/or even cuddly is good):), darker hair & mustache, hairy chest, strong jaw, loving eyes, and probably most important... a sense of humble confidence (but definitely NOT arrogance), with a 'gentleness' or 'sweet spirit' about them.

I know for myself that this attraction probably comes from my primal instincts to seek out 'the one' who would be 'best compatible' with me to produce strong healthy offspring. Which is pretty much exactly what the 'science' seems to say. And also, there is a real sense, for me, that I'm attracted to the type of guy that 'I LONG FOR THEM TO LOVE ME' as some sort of affirmation that 'I am lovable' to that 'type' of man, and there's a definite and strong sense of desire to 'be a team' with that person, or to 'share' with them, in 'spiritual' ways more so than just 'sexually'.  For me, the 'attraction' (although it ultimately stirs up sexual desire) is not really about SEX, but more about compatibility, emotional connection, and a desire to 'share' a life and 'develop' and ongoing love.  I have little to 'no' desire to have anything like a 'one night stand', 'affair', or 'anonymous sexual encounter'.  My desire is deeply rooted in wanting something REAL, and COMPLETE, and maybe, actually, even more EMOTIONALLY FULFILLING than sexually fulfilling.

My husband, however, realized as we talked, that he is attracted to a completely different type of individual and for some interestingly different reasons.

BTW - As we deeply talked about and pondered this subject, we were both so enlightened by our discoveries about ourselves and each other, and it was a really cool communication experience that totally brought us closer together and genuinely strengthened our love and relationship.

So, my husband recognized that he is actually attracted to 'smaller' guys, (not really small - or 'short'), but who are, at least, somewhat tall, but most important lean & trim, strong but definitely NOT 'BIG' at all. He's very attracted to guys with olive skin or a healthy tan (and frankly, for him, it's alot about the skin). Which makes it really good for 'us' because 'I may not be a guy,  ;)  but I definitely have skin. lol  (also, it just so happens, that I've always been a bit of a 'sun bunny' and I like to keep a healthy glow....plus, I'm probably Bath & Body Works and Oil of Olay's best supporter - lol)  Oddly enough, the truth is, that I basically pay attention to my skin more for me than for him, and I always have.

Anyway, back to his attractions & desires.  Now, here's the interesting part...

He explained that his reason for the attraction is NOT like my reasons, ie: a desire to 'connect emotionally with' and 'be loved (affirmed/valued) by' and  'share a life with' my type of guy, etc. --but instead, his 'initial' attractions and desires are more rooted in a desire/wish to 'be like' his type of guy.

My husband is a big guy with some 'extra weight' (not alot), and he has gray hair (used to be sandy red), and he has extremely pale skin & some redness to his face that he seems to really dislike about himself.  He says that he 'wishes' he was smaller, leaner, and he especially longs for a different skin type and complexion.  He believes that his 'attraction' to 'his type' of man is mostly related to some deep desire that 'connecting with him', (this certain type of guy), will somehow 'make him like him', so to speak, or somehow 'include' him in that handsome guy's 'club'.  And, there doesn't seem to be any 'primal instinct' to procreate with any man that he's visually attracted to.

But, he remembers the fact that from our first meeting (and as we began to date), he was definitely attracted to me in a 'primal - desire to procreate' sort of way.  He says that, in looking back, although he was not all desperately, intensely, sexually attracted to me (like he is guys), he felt a strong and compelling attraction to my tall stature and lean build, and especially my shiny blonde hair, brown eyes, and tan skin.  He says that he literally had thoughts, right from the very start, of what handsome/beautiful children we would have. So, although the intensity of 'visual/sexual' attraction was lacking, compared to what he felt for other men, the 'primal/let's procreate' attraction & desire was absolutely there and actually very strong.

He also fully admits that his desire towards the men, (that he's attracted to), was/is almost  100% 'sexual desire', from the 'visual' (sexual) attraction - all the way to the 'completion of the sexual act',  it's pretty much 'all about SEX' and a deep desire to 'connect with the guy that seems to be what he (my husband) wishes he was'.  He literally says that, for him, it's an almost desperate need and desire to 'have' a sexual experience with the person, seeing that guy almost as a sexual object, with not much thought or regard for desires of ongoing caring, sharing, love developing, emotionally fulfilling of each others' needs, etc.

Now, certainly in sharing these deep feelings and insights about 'us', we are risking lots of negative feed back as I'm sure many (maybe most) are not 'like us'.  So please know that we ARE NOT assuming that any other individuals are like us, and we are not making any 'statements' here about 'the science of attraction' for anyone else but us.  But, I will say, that it is a really great thing to discuss and consider these things with your partner/spouse, as it is a wonderful experience and will probably promote some beautiful understanding and deepen your love.

As for answering your question (finally! lol) about how to deal with 'unwanted' attractions and desires.

My husband says that he chooses not to cultivate his attractions towards other men, so when he notices someone who he is sexually attracted to, he does not dwell on looking at or thinking about their facial features, physique, skin, hands, etc., but instead turns his thoughts to the individual, as a human being, (not a sexual object).  He looks at their eyes - not with 'gaydar' hoping to feel a sexual 'connection', but instead, as another child of God, a real person with a unique spirit and a heart and soul far greater, and more real than, just someone to rub up against, have a sexual experience with, or as someone to be selfishly 'used' for his personal fantasies in his mind over and over again.  (which is what, for many years, he 'used' to do)

He says that sometimes he has to say a little prayer for help and strength to keep it REAL, but he ultimately loves the comfort that comes as he controls his urges, thoughts, and desires, and he feels a great sense of peace and a 'different' sort of 'fulfillment' in choosing and cultivating this alternate path for his life.

He also points out that throughout the years when he was not managing and controlling his sexual urges, desires, and attractions, he was NEVER really happy, or content, or at peace.  And, no matter how many 'guys' he had sexual experiences with, he was NEVER completely fulfilled, and there was never anyone that he could ultimately see himself in an ongoing, loving, sharing, completely fulfilling relationship with.

Anyway, this is what works for him and us, for what it's worth, and we believe we have an amazingly awesome, loving relationship, a completely fulfilling sex life, and he says that our intimate life makes him feel most like a real man.  He also testifies of the absolute benefits to our sex life as he abstains from masturbation and 'controls' and 'manages' his homosexual thoughts, attractions, and desires.

PS - I also testify of the amazing and extremely wonderful impact that his choices and actions have on our marriage, relationship, and especially our intimate life.

In the end, (and from the beginning) my husband IS a big guy, who is loving, confident (especially more so in the past 7+ years), and although he doesn't have dark hair or a hairy chest, he does have a lot of the physical, emotional, and spiritual characteristics that I am attracted to.  BTW - I absolutely LOVE the sexy gray hair that he has now, and as I read this all back to him, just now, he suggested that possible he could get  a 'rug' (toupee) for his chest! lol

And, although I don't have 'most' of the physical characteristics that the guys he's attracted to have, I AM tall, and I DO have the skin that he's attracted to (and loves to touch).  He loves my hair, he thinks (knows) I'm beautiful, likes my long legs, and is literally attracted to me, (although he is not attracted to woman in general, and he is also attracted to visually attracted to some men more than he is visually attracted to me).  He says that he loves my voice, and he loves having sex with me.  And, best of all - he did have a genuine and real desire to 'procreate' with me,  and he has a complete desire to share a life with me, and to grow old with me, and to spend eternity with me.

Also, and most important, after you get past the initial 'visual/sexual' attraction part, there's all kinds of great things that we love about each other, such as our shared love of music, all the 'fun' that we have doing the things we both love, our great communication, the joy we share in raising our family, our mutual beliefs and ultimate goals in life, our individual relationships with God, as well as our joint relationship with God as the center of our marriage and our lives.

The truth is, the less we each concentrate on the things that are difficult or 'not perfect' about our marriage, and the more we each concentrate on all the wonderful and positive and good, the better and better our marriage, friendship, and intimacy becomes.  Certainly we can't complain about any of that.  IT'S ALL GOOD! :D

PRAY ALONG THE WAY

Testimonies of the Amazing Power of Prayer

We've been talking recently about some of our wonderful answers to prayers, and special prayer experiences, that we have each had throughout our lives.  So we decided to do a post about the amazing power of PRAYER.  Although their are actually countless stories we each could tell, we are going to keep it to just a few from us, and then we'd like to kindly ask you all, our readers, to share some of your spiritual experiences related to prayer as well - if you are willing to do so.   :)

(Mrs. IDM)
A few weeks after my husband came out to me, shortly after our 10th anniversary, and he told me of his years of infidelity ,etc., I found myself constantly struggling with a feeling that he somehow 'needed to pay' for his lies and deceit.  It seems that I was experiencing some sort of  'natural instinct', a normal and common human behavioral attitude and response, that such indiscretions COULD NOT and SHOULD NOT go unpunished.  Even though I felt a lot of love and compassion towards him, and I was completely committed to learn how to forgive him and try to work it out, the fact remained that I seemed to be stuck, even from the 'moving on' that I wished for myself (and for 'us').  I was stuck with a sort of thinking process that had me believing that I could not move forward and try to heal myself, or our marriage,.. until he was punished.   I guess that deep in my heart (maybe because it was broken) I thought that 'I' was the one who must impose the necessary 'punishment' upon him for what he'd done 'to me'.

So, as these feelings mounted, and although I absolutely didn't like the feelings, and although I sincerely wanted to just move on to forgiveness and progress,  I did not seem to be able to move on, and I was stuck.  Then I happened across a book (which I believe was divine intervention) called "The Worth of a Soul".  In the book, a woman who was terribly hurt by her husband's addiction to masturbation, (and the marital infidelity that resulted from it),  tells of her feelings, which were so much like mine,-- "he HAS to be punished for what he's done".  The book tells of how she eventually realized that it was 'NOT her place' to impose punishment, and that she should literally 'turn it over to God'.  So she did turn it over to God, through personal prayer, and she tells about what great relief she felt and how the experience helped her to move on.

Well, I loved this idea, it was very enlightening to my heart and soul, and I decided to give it a try for myself as well.  I'm not sure that I was completely convinced that it would work for me, because I was so completely consumed with hurt and pain, but somehow, I had a spark of  faith that it 'could' work, and I was anxious to 'give it a try'.  What happened next was an astonishing and complete surprise, and left me overwhelmed with such a great love for my husband, and an undeniable testimony of the power of God.

As I knelt down and began to pray, I was humbled and sorrowful, (but not crying at this point).  I thanked God for my blessings, which were many, and then I began to explain to my Heavenly Father all the hurt that my husband had caused.  As I expressed my anger, and my need to be free from the emotions that held me bound, I literally turned my husband's 'punishment' over to God.

No more had I said the words, than I was immediately filled with such great love and compassion for my husband, that, through my tears, I actually began to beg and plead with my Father in Heaven to have mercy on this wonderful man.  Surprisingly, I prayed that his punishment would be light.  I sincerely and lovingly prayed for my husband to be strong, and desperately I prayed that we could just move on.

As I ended my prayer, and since I was overcome with emotion and tears, I was basically unable to move.  I was extremely humbled by what had just transpired, and I was in aah of God's great majesty and redeeming love.  My previous desires to 'punish'  him were miraculously gone and I WAS able to move on.

(Mr. IDM) 
I remember one night, around age 18, I said a prayer in such a way, and with much more conviction, than I ever had before in my life.

Although I had often had a sort of  'prayer in my heart', and an ongoing hope that 'God' would set me free from the misery and confusion I experienced due to my same sex attraction, and, although I had occasionally said little prayers here and there, I had had very little experience with daily prayers, or the order of prayer (Address God, Thank Him, Ask Him, and Close in the Name of Jesus Christ).   But then, one night, because I had been so terribly distraught, and I seemed to be sinking into the depths of despair,  I called on God in such a real and honest way, unlike anything I had ever thought of doing before.

I drove myself  into the hills with one purpose, and that was to find a private, secluded place to pour my heart out to my Father in Heaven in prayer.  As I drove, thinking about where I was headed, and what I was planning to do, a real and heavy feeling of "evil" surrounded me, and I almost felt like the devil himself was sitting next to me in my truck.   I was so frightened that I did not dare to look, I just kept my eyes ahead, found a place to pull off the road, and left the engine running (with the headlights shining) as I jumped out of the truck and knelt on the ground in the head lights.

As I began to pray, with all my strength, that God would help me,  I almost immediately experienced an amazing calm and peace come over me. I felt so much comfort, and a real tangible feeling of hope that somehow everything was going to be ok.  I was surprised and overwhelmed by the great power I felt, and especially by the instantaneous(ness) of the relief as the calm miraculously washed over me.

That night I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that GOD WAS REAL, that He had heard my prayer, and that He was watching over me. I knew that God was Mighty and that His love was real and more powerful than anything else on earth.  

(Mrs. IDM)
One of the most wonderful experiences I had with prayer was a very 'subtle and fleeting' moment that actually had a HUGE impact on my life, and still does to this day.

After years of enduring my husband's  lies and deceit, his unfaithfulness, and his addictive sexual behavior, I was feeling extremely angry with him;  I was obsessively and constantly thinking about what a horrible person I believed my husband to be, and, I was trying to figure out a plan of action to divorce him.

One night, as these thoughts seemed to be all consuming and dragging me down to the depths of despair, I ended up doubled over on the floor, on my knees, crying my heart out to my Heavenly Father in prayer.  As I prayed, for some unknown reason, (almost like I had not thought of these words myself), I said these words to God,... "please help me to see my husband as Thou sees him".

Immediately, I was filled with a wonderful peaceful spiritual feeling, and I had a 'sense' of or an 'awareness' of my husband's true spirit, and the amazing reality and majesty of him, as a wonderful, beautiful, and exceptional Child Of God.

It was such a sweet and comforting sort of  moment that I wanted to hang on to it and enjoy it for as long as I could, but it was so very subtle and fleeting.   It was there... and then it was gone.  But I, however, could not forget the experience, the feelings, the enlightenment, and the overwhelming love.  My thoughts of my husband were absolutely changed, and my understanding and compassion, my patience and love were increased beyond explanation.  I consider this experience to be an absolute 'tender mercy' in my life and I am humbled by the power and love of my Savior, Jesus Christ and our Almighty God.

(Mr. IDM)
After a very special experience with prayer as a teenager I gained a greater testimony of the power of prayer.  My positive experiences with prayer continued as I served in the National Guard straight out of high school, and then, as I later served a 2 year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Throughout my life I have always been prayerful.   Even through years of acting out, desperate struggling, sexual addiction, and literally loosing hope to the point that I just wanted to die, I still had an undeniable knowledge of a Father in Heaven who loved me, and I never completely gave up on Him.   Amidst all my confusion and unhealthy behavior, I always remained somewhat prayerful, and I somehow held onto a glimmer of hope that God would come to my aide.

As I look back on my life, so far, I am completely certain that, because of constant prayer, God has truly carried me through to this wonderful and amazing place where I am now.  I know that it is because of my lifelong relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ, the simplicity of daily prayer, and an undying spark of faith, that I am currently enjoying the great peace and joy that comes from the past seven and a half years of sobriety from my sexual sins.

It was ultimately because of my prayers that I was eventually moved to repentance and blessed by the Atonement of Jesus Christ.   And, because of the Atonement I have experienced a great change of heart that has brought me great comfort, peace, fulfillment, love, and joy.  Actually, I am at such a wonderful place in my life, that it literally seems like a miracle, since years ago, I could not have imagined that I would be where I am today or feel the way I feel now.

As my relationship with my Father in Heaven grows stronger, my faith in the power of prayer continues to grow,  and the miracles and blessings in my life multiply day by day.  I testify that, as we muddle through life, good things WILL happen if we just PRAY ALONG THE WAY.