A MAGICAL NIGHT OF MYSTERY, MISERY, MIRACLES, & LOVE

 A post by me, Mrs. I Define Me, where I tell about the night my husband told me he is gay.

It was just a few weeks after our 10th Anniversary, and although we had just returned from a great little weekend get-a-way to celebrate that, and, even though I could name a list of wonderful blessings and good things in my life, there was an unexplainable, underlying, uneasiness in my soul. 

As I sat there in the window seat, watching up the street in front of our house, for my husband to return from the Fishing Techniques class he was attending that night with a friend, I felt sick inside.   I didn't understand why I was feeling that way, my beautifully decorated little house was cozy and peaceful as our children were all fast asleep in their beds.  I knew I was very blessed, and should have been extremely happy, but,... I was feeling so anxious and nervous inside. I just had this intense feeling that we (my husband & I) needed to talk. I wasn't sure what I was going to say.  I just knew, with every fiber of my being, that we needed to talk.

I was stuck somewhere between "can't sit still" and "paralyzed", and then, I saw the headlights coming down the dark culdesac street. It was quite late at night now, and I was afraid he'd be too tired to talk and would just want to go to bed.   As I heard the garage door open and close and his footstep on the stairs my heart was pounding.

He appeared in the opening to the living room; his tall, slightly muscular frame and his handsome, rugged face with mustache & goatee was so familiar to me, yet there was often something about him that seemed distant and I felt that he was drifting away.  I had learned through the years not to push too much, and since I kinda had to walk on eggshells now & then, I was afraid of opening a can of worms by demanding some attention and "communication time".   I wondered what I was going to say since I didn't even understand why I felt we needed to talk - I just did.

As he came up the stairs from the garage/family room level of our four level home to the newly remodeled living room, which we had really enjoyed building and decorating together, he noticed me sitting on the sofa in the dark.  He came in and sat lovingly close to me on the sofa.   I took a deep breath and.....before I could open my mouth to attempt some sort of "we need to talk" sentence, he said, "we need to talk". I felt the seriousness in his voice, but mostly I felt his humility and was aware that he was extremely nervous as well. Between my nerves and sensing his, I could hardly breathe.  My earlier thoughts about what I was going to say, that had been bouncing around in my head, were instantly still, and I was completely tuned in to hear what HE had to say instead.

 

He softly proceeded...

Him-  "I need to tell you something"
Me - (surprised and on the edge of my seat with a giant question mark over my head- curiously whispered ), "what?"
Him -  "I wasn't really at a fishing workshop tonight"
Me - (My face twisted into a totally puzzled expression) still speaking gently "Where were you?" (I was so blown away by the thought that my husband had told me he was going somewhere different than where he really went - I wasn't sure if I should gear up to be mad and through a fit, or just be hurt, or hear his explanation, or what, but I was way to curious to decide how to feel or react)
Him - (slowly, nervously,& humbly) "I was at a group meeting for gay men"
Me - (confused but calm) "Do YOU think you're GAY?"
Him - (With conviction) "I AM"

**In an instant my fairy tale life, as I knew it, went ~POOOF!~**

I think I was in shock, and I don't remember saying a word....

Then, my husband, talking very lovingly and tenderly to me, began to tell me all about it.

 

He said he'd like for us to kneel together in prayer and we did. He offered a beautiful prayer, and after I returned to sitting on the sofa, he stayed on his knees, took my hand, and asked me to please just listen to all that he had to say.  He sweetly told me that he truly loved me,  that he wanted to try to save our marriage, and that he hoped that I would please just give him a chance.

 

I knew he was "for real".  He was suddenly a different person than the man that I usually knew, but clearly THIS was the man I knew I had married.  It was such an amazing and instant transformation, he was so familiar to my heart and my soul.  He was being completely vulnerable, and I knew it was genuine, and, I knew this wasn't an act.  I felt his spirit, I knew he loved me, and I felt his love stronger and more sincerely than I ever had before.   It's just hard to explain, but for a few moments the world, and all reality just went away. It was just us, and God, our souls connected and our spirits sored.  It's sorta seemed like I had been parched and thirsting in the desert for such a long time, and suddenly, his tenderness, honesty, humility, and love were like the big drink of water that I had been dying for for so long.  

 

I don't think I actually thought these words, but in essence, I think I was feeling like, "if THIS is the man that I get to be married to from now on,.... who cares if he's gay". 

I seem to remember quite clearly the feelings I felt that night. I do believe that to some degree I was in shock, but I was also amazingly calm. I was so overwhelmed with a sense of peace that it seemed  unimaginable for such an overwhelming moment of such devastating news. 

 

Although he had actually tried to tell me about his attraction to men, through a very brief comment on our honeymoon, I was just so naive that it totally went over my head, and I never really thought about it again.  Even with that tiny tidbit of information, I had never had any suspicions about my husband's sexuality.  But, once I was told, I felt this unexplainable sense of peace immediately, and as we proceeded to talk about our past 10 years together, I saw how all the pieces of the puzzle fit right into place. 

 

By the way,- I don't kick myself or beat myself up for being so "dumb" because "it" was just not on my radar AT ALL.   I was typically not a jealous type person, so I was not even "watching" to catch him looking at woman, and, I was not ever offended if he did.  Therefore, I was TOTALLY oblivious to him noticing MEN.  And I only had about a spec of knowledge when it came to homosexuality, back then.  Back in the early 90's - in Utah, (and having been raised in a small little sheltered town -which I want to say here that I loved and cherish my childhood there, and wouldn't trade it for the world to this day).

Anyway, I am so truly amazed at how calmly I reacted to such shocking information.  Oh, but I was not so completely at peace that I was immediately accepting of it all. I had a long, long way to go towards the acceptance, understanding, and peace that I feel today.

 

(As a matter of fact, I will eventually tell about the heartbreaking & devastating, years of hell that followed, but that will be in future posts - so stick around).

Finding out that my husband of 10 years was gay was, to say the least, shocking.  But, what was even more shocking, was the information that came next. 

 

So, back to our magical night of mystery, misery, miracles, and love.... 

Up to that point, I was listening and learning about the meeting he had just attended, (Evergreen), and a lot about his childhood, his feelings, his confusion about himself, and his excitement in finding some answers to his life long questions about himself and his homosexuality.   All of that was truly a lot to deal with, but as I said, I was surprisingly at peace. Then came… the rest of the story…. as he proceeded to confess the truth about his past.

 

I remember listening with shock and disbelief as he began to tell me of the things that he had done. I literally had to lie down on the sofa, my body felt so weak, my neck could not even hold up my head.   Eventually we took this "meeting" down to the family room, to be further away from the sleeping kids; and as I lay down on the sofa, he knelt beside me on the floor as he spoke.  Again he asked me to "just listen", and allow him to get it all out, ensuring me that  he would then answer every and all the questions I had.  That was hard for me, but I agreed.   He was still so amazingly humbled, and with great honesty, vulnerability, and respect, he selflessly confessed and explained to me about cruising, gaydar, and some stuff we won't get into here.

 I remember as he would tell me something, I would struggle to wrap my mind around it, (I was so extremely naive). I would think I was doing pretty good, and was staying pretty calm, and then, he would tell me more, and I would think “wow---- ok”, and then he would tell me more.... Each time I thought that was it, and then he would tell me more. I was dumbfounded  and shocked to know what had been going on behind my back for several years. I felt overwhelmed, stupid, confused, deceived, and furious, but mostly I just felt broken hearted.

Let me just say that, ... the feeling of being lied to and deceived, by someone you love & trust, who you believe loves & respects you, is the most hurtful & painful feeling I’ve ever felt in my life. But through it all, I know that the Lord was with us and that he truly blessed me to stay calm and not have a fit. I know that my wonderful husband was so filled with the spirit of God as he courageously told me everything. (and I mean everything~~~) His humility and honesty was amazing and drew me to him with a great deal of compassion and love.  By the time he was "done" sharing it all, I was so emotionally/mentally/physically/spiritually exhausted, I only asked a few questions and I was done~. 

 

 *Important Note -  I need to mention, at this point, that through the coming days, weeks, months, and years, he continued to calmly, honestly, and lovingly answer every question I threw at him, and, let me just say.....I asked  THEM ALL, and I believe that it was his complete honesty, with not a spec of denial, excuses, or defensiveness, that helped me to stick around long enough to learn & understand, to heal, to forgive, to trust again, and to move on to the amazing and wonderful marriage and relationship which we have today.

Well, so - it was getting close to morning and we had been up talking almost all night. I had cried so much that I had a terrible head ache and my body was shaking with chills. I went up to take a hot bath, and he followed me. He sat on the edge of the tub and rubbed my temples to help my headache. It wasn't an act, he was so genuinely humbled, showing such compassion and love towards me that, as bad as it all was, it was amazingly good at the same time. It was truly a spiritual experience for us both.

We were completely exhausted and went to bed and slept soundly for just a couple of hours. As I woke up I remember thinking I was awakening to a nightmare. It was like somebody had died. It was a horrible feeling and I wanted so badly to just go back to sleep and never wake up again. The reality of what had transpired throughout the night was almost more than I could bare, and I truly, and even physically felt that my heart was broken.

Someone HAD died, there was A PART OF  ME that had died, and I mourned that loss of the fantasy life I thought I knew; the life I had put my whole heart into for 10 years. But, at the same time I felt this little spark of hope, and the spirit of God urged me to push ahead. 

 

After all, I WAS still alive, I had questions to get answered, I had kids to get to school, I had a job and a home and a family and a life.  And, although, the words to a song rang out in my head, "why does the world go on turning? - why do these eyes of mine smile? - don't they know, it's the end of the world.....", the truth was that the world was still turning, and I knew God would help me, comfort me, and guide me.   Most important, I had this  "new" special, loving, spiritual, humble, and amazing man as my husband, and I was actually anxious to start anew, to begin again, to learn, to grow, and to "re"-define my life hand in hand with my husband who desired to, and was committed and determined to, "re"-define himself,   believing it could be done with faith in God, and with alot of help from the Savior, Jesus Christ. 

 

*Now, over 20 years later, I testify that he has redefined himself, and it has absolutely been by the power of God and through great faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ.  But, we've been through a whole lot of "stuff" along the way.  Back then, I would have never guessed what trials were ahead, but I can honestly say that it has ALL been worth it for the things that we've learned, the blessings of happiness & peace that we enjoy, and our love that has grown to be so amazing and great, like we never, ever, imagined it could be.   We'll tell all about it here on our blog (for those who are interested in our story), and we will try to honestly and frankly answer any questions that are asked, as we share the truth about the "years" of mystery, misery, miracles, and love, that have transpired since that "night" of mystery, misery, miracles, and love.