THE ROAD TO REPENTANCE

The Miracle of Forgiveness - by Mr. I Define Me

*Because I am sharing some very personal spiritual experiences which are very sacred to me - the comments and replies here will be moderated.

Daddy Daughter Date

We have previously written about the day my daughter (Jr. I Define Me) confronted me regarding the things she had been told by her friend, that her Dad is gay.  THAT NIGHT was amazing, and the absolute turning point in my life, as my eyes were opened to the reality of my choices and actions, and their great impact on my life, and ultimately on my family.  The very fact of my sweet and wonderful daughters knowing the truth about my sexual orientation (and a bit about my reckless behavior) gave me a new outlook, and took me mightily along with more strength to control my urges than I had ever had before.  (Prior to this night, I had not gone more than about 6 months without acting out in some form or another).  Although it was still extremely difficult, I was suddenly, somehow, able to withstand the bombardment of thoughts and temptations, and at least, to abstain from acting out with other men.

Abstinence & Anxiety

Although I had previously been active in Evergreen International, had also been through some counseling, and had read a lot to educate myself (from the limited information that was available 20 yrs ago) about homosexuality, still, I had drifted away from the help and comfort I had been getting.  As the years went by, I became extremely discouraged, and had almost lost hope for any happiness and peace in my life.  Although I never 'completely' lost faith in God, by the time my daughter found out about 'me', my life was spiraling out of control, and I felt helpless and hopeless. 

After the conversations with my daughters, I was determined to control my 'addiction' (although at the time I didn't even realize that my drive to act on my sexual attractions/desires/fantasies had turned into an addiction).  I was able to 'stay away' from encounters with other men, but I continued to indulge my homosexual thoughts and act out my fantasies in my mind in private. I was miserable, and confused, but inasmuch as I was successfully controlling my compelling urges for same sex liaisons,  I was slowly rebuilding my faith, and my hope did gradually increased.   I didn't even realize, at the time, that I was making 'progress' towards a better/happier life, but in looking back, I see that in many ways, although it was painstakingly slow  'baby steps', I was somehow returning to God.  I also can see that, in some other ways, (and all things considered), I was extremely blessed, and made 'great strides' towards improving my life.

And so I waited..... and suffered.... and hoped.... and (most important) PRAYED that 'something or someone' would rescue me from my hell.

The Unthinkable 

And then, just as my son was preparing to leave for an LDS mission, my whole world came crashing down around me as the unthinkable happened.  My brother was killed in an industrial accident.  Although I had often believed that my SSA caused my life to be a living hell, when my brother died, my personal definition of 'hell' was instantly changed to something I could never have imagined I would have to face.

Words cannot describe my devastation and heartbreak.  My brother was just one year older than me, we shared a room throughout our entire childhood, adolescents, and even during our teenage years, and, as adults, we had worked side by side at the same job for 10 years.  He was an amazing, genuine, kind, lovable, spiritual, faithful child of God.  He loved people, (especially babies), and he was the hardest working guy I have ever known.  He knew about my SSA, and he loved me unconditionally.  He was my friend, my confidant, my buddy, my strength, my hunting & fishing partner, my leader, my co-worker, my idol and the greatest example of everything good for me in my life.  I absolutely did not think I could live through the pain and loneliness I felt as I attempted to carry on without my wonderful brother in my life.

After my brother's death, the endless mornings of waking up to the reality that he was gone was like a reoccurring nightmare, and I would burst into tears as my heart broke over and over again.  This crushing devastation, along with the despair I felt over my unwanted same sex attraction, and my constant struggle with my thoughts and desires, was quickly becoming more than I could bare.

Hitting the bottom

As the years went by, and day by day I continued  to wait, and suffer, and hope, and pray,...  my heartache, anxiety and deep despair grew worse and was almost constant.  I felt as though it would consume me until I would break.

I believe I 'hit rock bottom' one day when several things in my life went wrong all at once. ( My problems were things that the average person should easily be able to handle, but I was literally unable to deal with my frustration and emotions over some work and domestic issues.)  I had a fight with my wife and then drove away to 'anywhere but here'.  As I drove aimlessly into the night, I felt angry, desperate, and confused.  My life seemed hopeless and I felt I just simply could not manage it anymore, and, frankly I didn't even want to  try.  I needed relief and I wanted out, but I didn't have the courage to end my life (and, I knew that taking my life would be the 'wrong' thing to do),  so I was trapped.

Eventually, in the wee morning hours, I reconciled my feelings and emotions enough to take myself home, but I slept in the garage.   Somewhere within those few hours of sleep that got that night I had a terrible dream.  It was probably the most horrific and upsetting dream that I have ever had.   It was a horrible and twisted experience of reliving my brother's death and his funeral all over again.   I awoke extremely upset, but I somehow managed to just get busy with my day, and I tried to put the dream out of my mind.

Faith precedes the Miracle

As I continued on through the day, I recognized how blessed I was to have made it through such a terrible night, and I realized that I must 'cowboy up' and figure out a way to take control of my life.  I knew that I wanted to live, and I had a glimmer of hope that God would guide me and bless me, and I prayed earnestly for a miracle in my life.  As the day continued, my anger faded into humility, my hate was softened with love, helplessness was replaced with hope, and my faith began to grow....... and then..... A MIRACLE  HAPPENED.

Divine Intervention - The Dream

The very next  night, after dreaming that horrible dream (while sleeping in the garage), I had another dream, a sacred dream, that was, for me, an absolute miracle, and I know and testify that it was Divine Intervention from God, and it HAS literally been life changing for me.

I dreamt that I was in extreme darkness, and that I was standing outside a large beautiful & bright building type thing which seemed to be made completely of sheer curtains, and, because of the light coming from within I could easily see right inside.  I was puzzled as to why I had not noticed this building before, as I seemed to know that it was always there, I had just been somewhat 'blind' to it before now.  I was curious to get a better look inside, and so I moved closer to an opening in the curtains.  As I peered through into the light and observed the beauty that was inside, I noticed a man and his wife standing inside.  I recognized the man as my brother (who had died about 10 months earlier), and I could overhear his words as he talked to another man who said, "Hello Brother 'Smith', what can I do for you?".  I heard my brother tell the man that he had been ill and that he was there for 'the formula' to heal him.  At this point, I was so thrilled to see my brother, and since I missed him desperately I wished to get his attention, so I repeated the same thing I had heard the man say to him, and  said, "Hello Brother 'Smith' ", (and then, in a teasing sort of way, I stepped back a bit as to hide myself from my brother).    He turned and stepped towards me, trying to see who was there and clearly wondering who had said his name.  I was aware that I could not go into the building where he was, but that he could come out to me.  He walked towards me, straining a bit to see who was there, and then he stepped through the sheer curtains and saw me standing there.  He scooped me up in his arms, firmly and lovingly hugged me and kissed my check, and was obviously as happy to see me as I was to see him.  He then told me that I was ill, and as he handed me a book, he said that in the book was 'the formula'.

At that very moment, I awoke with a start, and I remember the exact feelings I felt as I woke up from this dream.  The embrace with my brother seemed so completely real that I could still physically feel it in my heart and soul, even though I was now completely awake.  I was overwhelmed with a wonderful feeling of love, and I knew that the dream had significant meaning for me.  I burst into tears, just as I did almost every morning for days and weeks after my brother's death.  While crying, almost uncontrollably, I walked through the house to find my wife so I could tell her about the dream.  She was working at the computer in the office and when she saw me walking towards her, crying, she jumped right up and hugged me, immediately thinking that I was having another bad morning.  We walked to the family room and snuggled together on the couch.  Then I proceeded to tell her all about the amazing dream I had just experienced.

The Dream Whisperer

(By the way... my wife has been deeply interested in 'dreams' for many years as she has had several dreams that she knew and believed were very specific messages to her as a guide for her life.  She has literally done some research on 'analyzing dreams', and has shared her dreams and their meanings with me.  I remember her saying that when you have a dream that you feel has real meaning for you, you should immediately ponder the details of the dream, and pay special attention to the 'feelings' you were feeling subconsciously throughout the dream, and then correlate those same 'feelings' to your real, conscious, life.  Then, the connections to your real life, the meanings of the details of the dream, and the messages they hold for you, will be quickly revealed and understood.  She has also shared this with other members of our family, and has sometimes, jokingly/lovingly, been called 'The Dream Whisperer'.)

So, my wife carefully listened with great interest as I told her about my dream.  She did not interrupt me as I shared the complete dream, and I occasionally expressed my understanding of what I knew some of the details represented.  I told her that I believed the large, brilliantly lite building was 'the temple', and I was aware of the fact that I was outside of it (in darkness), and that I was not allowed to go in, but that my brother was 'worthily' inside, (and clearly happy & content there with his wife by his side).  I told her sincerely wanted to be worthy to go to the temple, although I had not held a temple recommend for 20 yrs.  When I said the part where my brother asked for the 'formula', my wife quietly began to cry, and the tears continued to roll down her face as I finished relating the rest of the dream.  I told her about how real was the embrace with my brother, and how I could 'still' feel his love in my heart, but that I was confused about the conversation with the other man and 'the formula'.   Without hesitation, and with great confidence in her understanding, she quietly said, "the 'formula' is REPENTANCE.

Understanding the Power of the Atonement

Because of my mission experiences, and seeing the power of repentance in action, I had a complete understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I knew that He was sent to this earth to be our Savior, that He paid the price and suffered intensely for all of our sins; and, in so doing, He prepared a way for each of us to repent of our sins, receive forgiveness from God, find relief from our anguish and our guilt, and feel peace.

I knew that "with God, nothing is impossible", but, for the record, I did not believe, or expect that I would be 'changed' from homosexual to heterosexual, nor was I hoping to be 'fixed'  (that my sexual attractions towards men would suddenly be towards woman).   I did not (and do not) believe that my homosexual orientation/attractions/desires were (are) a sin.  And, I knew for myself that my sins were specific to my homosexual 'actions', my addictive behavior, obsessive cultivation & entertaining of sexual thoughts,  acting out on fantasies alone and in my mind, and, of course, the lies, deceit, and infidelity that went along with it all.

In looking back now, I realize that, because of the conflict between my spiritual beliefs and my sexual orientation, I had developed a 'why me?' syndrome.   I realized that no matter what I did, the 'longing' was never fulfilled, and it became clear that I could 'never' get enough of the 'unhealthy' sexual behavior, as it always left me empty and only wanting more.  I would easily get caught up in desperate thoughts that I would never, ever overcome 'it'.  I was continuously being fooled, but my dream reminded me that  I actually knew the truth, and that the truth could set me free.

I knew that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I could find a sense of 'healing' from my addiction, and relief from my pain, suffering, and confusion, etc.  Especially, and most prominent in my mind, was a belief that I could be free from my sins and find peace from my guilt. 

I knew that if I could be forgiven for these sins that I would find peace.  I also 'hoped' to find real joy and happiness, but at this point, I didn't dare wish for too much.  I just wanted to be free, to feel peace, and mostly, to make things 'right' with God,

Complete Conviction

Immediately, when my wife mentioned 'Repentance', I knew that she was absolutely right, and the complete knowledge that I needed to repent of my sins and make amends with the Lord was instantly confirmed to my soul.  Really, I always knew that I needed to repent, and, I had actually attempted to repent about three times before; (met with my Bishops, tried to 'be good', etc).   But, in looking back, I realize that I was never really ready, and that I was always lacking in faith, (faith in God, yes, but mostly, I lacked faith in myself).  I admit that, prior to this day, I was not fully prepared and submissive enough to completely walk away from a life that was all I had ever known and seemed to be such a huge part of my being.

Now, this time was different.  My 'sacred' dream was so much more than just a dream.  It was a message from my Savior, my brother, Jesus Christ, through my earthly brother (who is now beyond the veil).  I felt it, I knew it, and I could not deny it.

I always knew that the answer, for me, was 'God'.  But I had learned that I couldn't pray 'it' away, and I had reconciled myself to the fact that 'it' was not going away.   Ultimately,  I knew that my only hope was to make peace with God (which meant to repent), and hope that, through Him, I could actually find relief.   So I asked my wife to call and get me an appointment with the Bishop, and I was committed to follow through.  Although I was worried, anxious, and literally afraid, I did not ever consider canceling the appointment.  I felt a great commitment and strength beyond anything I had ever felt before.

A Blurr

My appointment with the Bishop was only a few (3-4) days away,  but it seemed like an eternity and is now just a blurr.  I remember feeling so many different emotions; I was anxious, worried, nervous, and afraid, as I was sure I'd  be humiliated, ashamed, and embarrassed.  I was devastated and overwhelmed at the mere thought of all that I needed to confess.  I was extremely worried about what would happen next.  How would the Bishop react?  What would happen to my membership and standing in the church?   What if the 'truth' about me comes out to the world?

 
Confessing

With much fasting and prayer, on the day of my appointment with the Bishop, I felt extremely humbled and close to my Father in Heaven.  I felt very good about the man who was our Bishop at that time.  In a way, I believe that he was the exact Bishop for me, at the exact time I was ready to repent.   I asked my wife to come to the appointment with me because I felt I needed her there for support, and, I knew that with her by my side I would find strength.

So I poured my heart out to my Bishop, and I told him EVERYTHING,.... and he didn't flinch.  He was (and is) such an amazingly wonderful, spiritual, kind, and caring man, and all I felt from him was compassion and caring and love.

Although the experience of confessing ALL my sins was humiliating,...  it was very humbling. It was so much more of a 'full' and 'fulfilling' experience than I had ever imagined it could be.  It was so much deeper than getting on my knees and asking the Lord's forgiveness on my own.  I was so very completely submissive, and I knew that somehow, this time, I would be able to truly forsake my sins.

Repentance, to me, felt like I was on a well trodden path, (that all of God's children must walk to make the Lords atonement effective in their lives), and any other way is unmarked, uneasy, counterfeit, or incomplete.   But this path was clearly marked, I understood the plan, and I believed in the process, and nothing had ever felt so 'right'.  The best way to describe my repentance experience is that, even though it was uncomfortable... it was comforting. 

Healing of the Sin Sick Soul

Upon leaving the Bishops office, I had a great feeling and strong confirmation that I had done the right thing, for the right reasons, and in the right way,  for the very first time.  I actually felt ministering angels attending to my soul, and I knew that I was being strengthened from on high.  My burdens were literally lifted at that time.    I had a wonderful and glorious sensation that I was immediately forgiven.  I had placed my sins before the Lord, He forgave me, and I knew that He would remember them no more.

I walked out of that office with such an amazing and indescribable feeling of relief and comfort and joy, that earthly words cannot express the magnitude and 'realness' of the experience.  It was absolutely NOT what I had expected.  I was really expecting to leave just as humiliated and worried as when I went in, and, I thought for sure that I would be completely embarrassed and ashamed.   Instead, I was feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and love and relief and hope.   When I went into the Bishop's office, my soul was heavy and full with anguish, frustration, and guilt, (like with mud and crud and poison) .... but, when I walked out, my soul was filled with 'light', and I felt acutely 'alive' and 'whole' for the very first time in my life.

 I had truly experienced the real  power of the Atonement, in 'my' life, and the Miracle of Forgiveness that could not be denied.  It was such a beautiful blessing and 'gift' from God.  Throughout my life, and literally since my childhood, I had been praying for God to 'Rescue' me, and finally, I knew that he had.

Change of Heart

Throughout the following days I experienced a most amazing transformation of my soul;  a 'Change of Heart' that encompassed every part of my being.   Although I was not 'changed' from a homosexual man to a heterosexual man (nor did I expect to be),  I was surprised, and consumed with gratitude, as the 'longing' to be 'normal' had fled.  And, I was freed from my heartache, anguish, guilt, and pain.

I was 'still' attracted to men, (and I still am to this day) but the compelling longing/desire to be 'sexual' with men was diminishing, and I was seeing other men as humans, (instead of sexual objects to be used to feed my personal fantasies).  I was humbled as I began to see the vulnerability in people, I saw men, (and women), as people who needed people..... in healthy ways.  I was, quite quickly, evolving into a 'new' man, as my previous characteristics of self pity, and of being selfish, irritable, guarded, longing, and lacking in spirituality, faith, hope and charity were all, for the most part, just melting away.

Consistently, my heart was being opened to be more sociable, more compassionate, and having more genuine interest in others.  My soul was really experiencing faith, hope and charity as I had never experienced or imagined before.

Repentance literally opened my eyes and cleared my head.  It was an actual psychological and physical awakening.  It was such an amazing gift.  After almost a lifetime of  misery and sin, my burdens were lifted and I was forgiven, my faith in my Savior Jesus Christ and God were immensely increased, and, I had hope that I could (and would) walk the higher road, because, although my sexual orientation had not 'changed',  my 'heart' was changed, and I truly was transformed into a 'new man' through the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

It is Done.......(but there was/is still work to be done)

Soon I will tell the rest of the story....about the coming months, as I committed to some strict guidelines for my life (that my Bishop was inspired to ask me to follow), as I prepared myself to be worthy to enter the temple once again.  And, I am excited and anxious to tell about the monumental strength I was blessed with, (and continue to receive),  from my Father in Heaven, and,  about the surprising and amazing miracles that I continue to experience through Him and because of Him in my life.