IMPOSSIBLE! ..MY DAD IS GAY ?.. POSSIBLE ?

My story about when I found out my Dad is gay - and, what I've learned about life.                By Jr. I Define Me

I will share a little about an unconditional love I have in my life that has DEFINED who I am and what I think unconditional love and acceptance is.

I found out my dad was gay when I was in my early twenties.  I was SHOCKED. Utterly Shocked. I found out through a person who my dad had been in contact with within the “out” gay community. This gay man was talking to a few people; one was a good girl friend of mine for many years, who happened to be living with me at the time. This man was “entertaining” the group with some very crude “gay” humor and during his conversation, my mom and dad walked into the place where this group was hanging out. This gay man proceeded to talk about married men and the “fun he has with them” and pointed my dad out to the group, outing him as a gay married man with kids and ALL!! The group “ GASP”  he then proceeded to tell about the dirty underworld my dad had been living to the group, which included my good friend/roommate.

It took my friend 6 months to finally tell me, although she constantly asked me questions about my parents, which puzzled me. Who knows  who she told before or after, but when she told me, she made me promise not to tell my dad that I knew,  because her gay friend ( whom I knew also) made her promise not to tell me when he realized the guy (my dad) he was outing was someone my friend recognized.  Betrayal amongst friends, masquerades frequently as loyalty.

It was impossible what I was hearing…. (I was thinking “possible?”)……

 No way…..impossible…

(possible)

This was a lie, a mistake, it couldn’t be……(very possible)….. Was it?

(Possible?)

Are you sure it was MY DAD???

Impossible…but also was in my conscience immediately, very possible.

My dad was the type who felt a connection with pain and suffering no matter how minuet, almost to a fault. I remember many times I would get grounded by mom, and I knew all I had to do was tell Dad how I was sorry and hurt and my dad let me off, But he knew when I was sincere in my apologies as well

 He also told me often how much he loved me, how wonderful I was, and how beautiful I was. I feel he had a compassion for “mistakes” or wrong choices I made that lead me to consequences I would rather not face, like rear ending another car in high school and telling him it was a hit and run in the parking lot. No damage was done to the other student’s big truck, but my old car was smashed in the front. He called my school police officer to file a report, and in the investigation, (where was I parked? who was parked near me? Where is the glass in the parking lot from your front headlights?) It became clear to him and the Officer that I was lying. He picked me up, took me to the school, and asked me if I was lying. I came clean, and he and my mom talked to me about how they were disappointed, and grounded me from the car for a week or so, but it was clear they were not upset about the accident or the car, they were upset I had lied.  

My dad taught me that forgiveness, when sincerely asked for, was not even thought about, forgiveness is given as many times as it is humbly asked for. It is something that not only releases guilt, pain and fear from the offender but it releases hurt, frustration and discontentment from the forgiver. True forgiveness can free the soul even against repeat offenders. My dad had forgiven me of so many things, small and large.

So when I found out about his biggest secret, I waited only one day to confront him about it. I asked him to come speak with me away from the rest of the family. I was sitting there talking with this man I knew loved me, I knew loved his wife, and I knew loved the gospel, and I could do nothing else but realize he was doing his best in this world, and he was doing what he felt he was supposed to do.  He may have made mistakes, or made decisions that were detrimental to him and others (his family and wife), but there was not a hesitation in my complete and full forgiveness to this wonderful man.  This man who had offered up his DNA to make me, and bring me into this world. This man who I knew as my father I forgave immediately.

I did struggle in the months after I found out. I was also a single mother, living on my own and working hard to try to support my baby and myself.  I feel I was more trying to come to grips with how my mom and dad had stayed together through all those years than the fact that my father was gay. I myself was freshly divorced and felt I needed to completely rethink so many perceptions of love and marriage. In addition, my dad broke a huge stereotype my small amount of life experience had given me about gay people in general.

Before I became pregnant and married ( yes, in that order) and before I found out about my dad, I was right out of high school and I moved out and just had fun the way a girl going it alone for the first time would.  I moved in with one of my friends, who was also my best friend, a few hours away from my parents.  I still knew nothing of my dad’s orientation. When I lived there, I worked 2 jobs at 2 different restaurants. I felt as though I had always had “gaydar”, now I know it was instilled in me by my dad, but also I never felt judgmental or weirded out by the gay population in my home state the way many of my friends and family and acquaintances were. I immediately made friends with the gay men I worked with and became, as they called me, their “faghag” (sorry if that offends anyone, it was their term of endearment towards me).  We went shopping together, went to bars and clubs together, and I was the “deterrent” for some of them as they were often hit on by women  (they were all so GOOD LOOKING!).  I wondered often how I had become so open minded with them at such a young age, I was only 18 and I knew much of my family, extended, and friends, would be puzzled by my friends, why I had them if I wasn’t  gay, and so on.

I never felt like they were any different than my straight friends either, I felt as though they were the same as so many young adults, trying to find their way, and be true to themselves even though not everyone had a down packed idea of who they were or who they wanted to be. I felt that they knew more about who they were and who they wanted to be then myself at the time.  It has taken a lot of trial and error for me to come into who I feel I am really.

These gay men that I had befriended were, at face value, the stereotypical feminine or flamboyant gay man. I had known few “out” gay people and this was my first exposure to the out lifestyle. They all had different backgrounds and stories. They all felt they were born that way, and they all were loving and fun and wonderful people. I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to other people, or  why people seemed offended by just the presence of an “out” gay person. I was troubled by the ridicule and discrimination of my friends and others.

I felt I had an open mind, and was more accepting of many things I saw than others around me struggled to accept and understand.

My dad challenged that acceptance even for me. When I found out about his sexuality, I wondered why he married my mom, I wondered why he had children if he knew he was always this way. I wondered how much my mom knew and if it was a subject they discussed openly and freely or if it was something that was tiptoed around.

I could also see more clearly so many things that had happened throughout my life and things that had happened between my parents in my past. I was being forced to change my idea about everything I had grown up in, and everything I knew about my parents and my family dynamic. It was so freeing and very liberating to finally make sense of so many things that I previously did not understand, and so many things that were just part of my life and memories, good and bad, this was like the missing piece of the puzzle.

  I saw my parents  fight so often about things that were “un-important” and I felt as though money, or bills, or who’s decision it was to go out to eat where, were things worth FIGHTING over. I see now that there was a HUGE underlying issue that dictated so much of the dysfunction in our home. There was not any physical abuse, but there was manipulation, and bickering, and arguments, and for a few years, it seemed constant.

A nice thing was that they also seemed to have little or no jealousy between them.  My dad would point out beautiful women and say constantly my mom was more beautiful. They both would comment about men, good and bad. As far as jealousy, the dynamic between them was FAR from what I experienced with other couples.

Finding out about my dad being gay brought doubt and clarity at the same time, questions and answers. I was looking at someone I loved dearly and I felt like my whole life was a sham, and I also saw this man hurting and lost in my life when I was younger, and I was desperately trying to make sense of it all.

 I knew he never questioned the gospel. I felt as though he had a stronger testimony and relationship with God than 95% of the men and women I knew in the church. I also knew that most people I knew would condemn this man if they knew the truth about him or how he felt about his true sexual identity - on both sides. The faithful, church going LDS / Christian, and the “out and proud” Gay people I knew.  I knew both groups would struggle to accept my dad and how he felt about his sexuality and spirituality. 

I also KNOW with all my being he LOVED me unconditionally, he loved my mom and our family more than anything in the world, even more than his sexuality. Understanding THAT was like being reborn, like walking out of a fog into an identity I could love, accept, and wrap around myself. It has made me feel more compassion for people and their personal struggles. It makes me rejoice more with people who define themselves the way they feel happiest and stand tall in their self-acceptance.  My dad is but one story of self-acceptance and self-discovery and forging through the darkness and misconceptions, and defining ones own identity. He taught me not to judge others as I ask they do not judge me.

As I get older and I am able to articulate my thoughts more and my feelings about my childhood, and, combine this with the knowledge of my Dads struggles and my parents relationship as a whole, I can proudly say…..

 I was raised and nurtured in a home with mixed orientation parents, who believe in God and believe God is not hurtful or discriminative. They taught me to be open-minded and also to follow rules. They taught me to make my own decisions, but with as much knowledge as possible, and also to trust my instincts and trust my personal relationship with God.

My dad is gay, I witnessed him question EVERYTHING in his life weather I knew his reasoning or not. I witnessed some dreadful times, and some of the happiest I can imagine.

I am so proud of both of them for telling their story. I am so moved by the honesty and commitment they have to each other and our family. I want people to understand the courage it takes for "different" people who have "different" types of relationships and "different" beliefs, or cultures, or traditions, or rituals, to stand tall in the face of non- acceptance, or inequality, or misunderstanding...... but I think EVERYONE has had that feeling. Is that not why we are all here? To help each other understand and accept our "differences"?

My mom and dad are two very amazing people.

My mom and dad have wonderful spirits.

My mom and dad have loving hearts and abounding compassion.

My mom and dad have been through trials many here couldn't imagine.... and probably many here could imagine.

My mom and dad have raised an amazing family.

My parents who are straight and gay have redefined what I think about marriage, redefined what I think about compassion, redefined what I feel love and acceptance are.

My gay father and my straight mother have given me a testimony of what WORK in a relationship really means.

My gay father has helped raise me with an ability to discern sarcasm and needless ignorance and replace it with love and understanding and compassion.

I am so proud of their courage and I am so proud of their relationship, I am proud to be their daughter.

I LOVE YOU MR & MRS I DEFINE ME...aka MOM and DAD. 

AN IMPROMPTU "VIRTUAL" PANEL DISCUSSION

I am willing and available to answer questions regarding same sex attraction, my 30+ years of marriage in a "mixed orientation marriage", and my belief in the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (I invite others like me to respond to these questions as well)

Yesterday, while reading our favorite blog, The Weed, we were so happy to hear about a panel discussion that was held as a part of a stake meeting, where several men who are gay/same sex attracted were available to answer questions from the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Beaverton, OR Stake.  It was clearly an effort to increase understanding and foster tolerance and love. 

We, like many others, are so grateful for those willing and anxious to learn more about this very important issue that has been brought to a greater awareness by people like Josh  & Lolly Weed, (and many others like them, and us, living in mixed orientation marriages), and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints new website.

One of the people who commented on that particular post, by Josh Weed's wife Lolly, asked for anyone (gay/ssa) who might be willing to answer the questions that Lolly had listed as a sample of the wonderful questions that were asked at the meeting that night.  So, we (Mr. & Mrs. IDM) decided to respond to his request for answers.  I, Mrs. IDM typed while Mr. IDM gave his answers.

Then today, while in my church meetings, I got to thinking that there could be a lot of people who have similar questions that they would like to have the opportunity to ask of  some "gay guys" to help them learn and grow and develope better understanding of this issue.  So, I asked my husband, Mr. IDM,  if he would be willing to answer more questions, and what he thought of the idea of holding an  "impromptu virtual panel discussion" on our blog.  He agreed that it was a good idea and we decided to give it a go. 

So, we invite any and all gay/same sex attracted individuals who are willing, or feel they have something to add, to also respond to any questions that are asked here.  And, we encourage anyone who has a genuine interest in gaining some insights and better understanding to ask their questions here through this virtual panel discussion, as they might feel unable to ask questions directly of their friends/family/leaders, etc.

We realize that this might be just a few individuals' personal opinions, beliefs, feelings, and experiences.  But, it's a start - and hopefully the complexities, confusion, and misunderstandings of this issue will begin to be seen in a much needed and more positive light.

Remember, --- love, kindness & respect is key.  Ask away ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

PARADIGM SHIFT

There seems to be a whole lot of controversy and conflict out there these days, and the debate usually turns to the issue of suicidal LGBTQ youth.  Here's our perspective (for what it's worth).......

Our wish is that all of us “FOLKS” (Friends  Of  LGBTQ  Kids who are Suicidal)-(*I just made that up J*) can come together, with more open minds, in an joint effort to help save lives in any and all ways possible.  This means that all of us FOLKS may not agree on exactly what is “helping”, and what is not “helping”, but, we will concede to at least consider all FOLKS ideas, and admit that none of us have all the answers.

We feel a strong need to express a few thoughts that are possibly different than the “average” Gay Rights Advocate’s  ideas and beliefs, but we hope and pray that all FOLKS (Friends  Of  LGBTQ  Kids who are Suicidal) will open their minds to a possible PARADIGM SHIFT; a different way of thinking and attitude by ALL gay rights activists and advocates, that might make a world of difference for some (or even many), of our desperate, struggling, and suicidal youth.

I have heard and read many comments representing that the ONLY OPTION for an individual who is “struggling” with their sexual desires, identity, and/or attractions, is to ....

#1. Come out to the world, 

#2. Pursue and embrace relationship(s) with same sex partner(s),   and

#3. Turn away from their core religious beliefs, if those beliefs do not completely support #1 & #2. 

We are not genius's, but we know, and think that it’s common sense, that anyone who is depressed, feels lost, confused, hopeless, and/or suicidal,… that the best thing in the world for them is to....

FIRST – know that they are loved and of value, and

NEXT – to believe that they have OPTIONS,  (The more Options the better), And especially that they are FREE to choose their life’s course and BE WHO THEY WANT TO BE.

We know that in some cases, a person’s suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness can be caused by the pressures they feel from others.  Pressures from those “voices” in their personal lives, and also, all those voices coming from the media and world around them.

We acknowledge whole heartily that although LGBTQ individuals were not free to choose their sexual attractions & desires, but they DO have an abundance of options (just as anyone does) of just exactly how THEY CHOOSE to manage, mold, and live their lives.  To us, THIS is what all of us FOLKS need to be telling these kids.  We need to reassure them that they are loved NO MATTER WHAT path they create for themselves and their lives, and encourage them to search in their hearts and not let ANYONE get in their way.  (This means parents, friends, church, including “gay pride” (for lack of a better word) pressures, the media, etc.)  

It seems to us that if a young guy or gal is depressed, confused, hopeless, and suicidal – then pressure from anyone or anywhere is not good.  And possibly, in some cases, the pressures from the “Gay Pride – ONLY ONE OPTION” attitude is more damaging than helping.  

A suicidal person does not need any more pressure, they need to feel free to be able to take control of their lives and decide how to live their lives.  They need lots of options and lots of love.   There seems to be just as much “passion”, “anger”, and “intolerance” on the part of those preaching “OUT & EMBRACE” as those preaching that homosexuality is a sin, and possibly sometimes more.   We believe that all this “debate” in the midst of young people killing themselves is absolutely and completely counter- productive.  

We have been reading and hearing a lot of highly emotionally charged debates over the idea of pursuing/living in a Mixed Orientation Relationship (MOR).  Many (usually those who have no personal experience with a MOR themselves) seem to be convinced that a Mixed Orientation Relationship is LESS real, LESS satisfying, LESS acceptable, LESS fulfilling, LESS desirable, and LESS likely to last, than a Same Sex Relationship.  

We submit that, if we are honest and open minded (which is what most of us usually demand from the world), we will have to acknowledge and accept the fact that there are actually individuals out there in society who know for themselves and insist that their Mixed Orientation Relationship is NOT LESS – for them…… IT’S MOR(E).  For them, for whatever reason, their decision to pursue/live in a MOR is what works best for them, and it is MORE comfortable, MORE complete, and MORE in tune with their core personal beliefs.  They feel MORE content, MORE happy, and MORE at peace with their individual lifestyle choices.  They are insisting that their lifestyle IS living their “authentic” self.   How can anyone of us FOLKS argue with that?

 Intellectually, we have to concede that this is a valid choice for some, it clearly works for some, and therefore, there must be “some” struggling individuals who will identify with this reality in a positive way and find it hopeful and helpful to them as they build their lives and pursue their dreams.  THIS “OPTION”, or the knowledge that there are others whose lives mirror their life, could literally SAVE SOME LIVES;  lives that would be ultimately pushed to the breaking  point of hopelessness and suicide if they believed that the ONLY OPTION that they were seeing and hearing about didn’t fit with “their” life, or “their” goals for “their” future.

Certainly these individuals desiring something different for themselves, and those currently living in MORs, are entitled to their life choices just as much as any LGBTQ individuals are entitled to theirs.  And, they have just as much right to share their experiences, beliefs, feelings, and success with the world as anyone does.  We feel a movement building, and although many who live happily in MORs are silent,  many of us want to be heard, we believe we have something to offer, and we are not going away.  Maybe someday we’ll have our own “parade” - will any of you join us? – will you be marching with us?

We feel so strongly that the Weed’s story, or our story, or anyone’s story, for that matter, should not be held up, by someone else, to anyone else, to try to influence another individual to follow “their” lead…..But,  we truly believe that ALL SUCCESS STORIES, from either “side”, if you will,  completely and absolutely deserves to be told for the use of any individual who see’s the story as an option for them and wishes to use these stories for their personal life if they choose to do so.    Notice, we said, “for the individual’s use – their choice, their decision”.  No one has the right to judge the Weed’s, or us, (and others in Mixed Orientation Relationships) as something bad, wrong, or that should not be shared, and especially, no one can fairly blame Christians for causing despair in Christian LGBTQ youth, any more than the pressures imposed on them by the “gay pride” community to come out, embrace the lifestyle, and turn away from their core beliefs.

LGBTQ youth (and adults for that matter) have a real and complex struggle; hopefully, society is learning and improving to lessen their heartaches and hardships, questions and concerns.  And maybe there will come a day when it is not so difficult (we hope & pray), but until then, the fact remains that no one has all the answers, and the pressures from all walks of society (including the “anti-religion” society) are not helping.   IF, anyone had all the answers, there would be far less suicides, and if the last 20+ years of the Gay Rights Movement and media blitz (which we personally support and recognize the awareness that has come from it) hasn’t stopped the confusion and heartache, then maybe we all need to take a chill pill, breath, and admit that we don’t have all the answers.  Maybe, just maybe, there is a select group of gay/lesbian individuals who are just not “cut out” for the one size fits all answers offered up until recently. 

Maybe, if in some cases, religion is creating a “hang-up”, then we need to acknowledge that “religion” is huge and has been around since the beginning of time basically, and probably won’t be “stamped out” in our lifetime, so…. 

Possibly, religious FOLKS might be better equipped to help some religious individuals, as the truth may be that the “out & embrace” options and opinions are just not the answer for them, while the “religious” options are exactly what they want and need to find THEIR peace and contentment.

Maybe, just maybe, God has had a hand in ALL the gay awareness that has happened through the years, and maybe….God is currently stretching forth His almighty hand to further reach out to those who believe that living a gay lifestyle is not for them.  We believe that GOD IS REACHING OUT – through the new website by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, through Josh & Lolly Weed, our life and story, (and others like us who are telling their stories), and through the very FACT that many gay individuals ARE living happy, fulfilled, and productive lives within the teachings of the gospel that they love and believe in to their core.

We know and testify that it is through God and his infinite love and almighty power that we have managed to define our lives and our marriage into the amazing a wonderful blessing that it is today.  And, we ARE an example of another option  – for some….that’s a GOOD thing, and for some….it IS helping.

We hope and pray that everyone who feels passionate about this issue will know and realize that we are ALL “FOLKS”  (Friends  Of  LGBTQ  Kids who are Suicidal), and, that we ALL have something to offer, and that ALL of our feelings, opinions, and beliefs should be respected, and, together….. we can put a stop to the debate, the hate, the suicides, and the pain; -and start trying to understand the real hearts and souls, feelings and beliefs of those who are struggling.  Understanding ALL individuals’ feelings and beliefs is the key to helping, pushing OUR feelings and beliefs on them IS NOT.  And especially anyone assuming they have the one and only answer is narrow minded and WRONG.

Please people, let’s accept the truth that there are definitely those who are so extremely strong in their religious beliefs (for whatever reason – let’s don’t get into that – cause it is what it is), that they personally feel and know for themselves, that a same sex relationship lifestyle is not for them, even though they are obviously attracted to their same sex.  Please, let’s do what we can to empower these individuals to figure things out for themselves.  BACK OFF!.  The only advice we should be giving them is to remind them that they are loved, they have options, and encourage them to take control of their lives and release “our” efforts to control their lives, – (even if their choices and decisions, which possibly make them happy, don’t make us happy).    

It seems like everyone could benefit from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints new website’s message of acceptance, tolerance, and love.   LGBTQ youth need LESS PRESSURE, not only from the “religious” community, but also from the “out & embrace” community as well.   When you really think about it, it’s clear – us “FOLKS” ARE truly in this together, we ALL have the same ultimate goal, to help and even save suicidal LGBTQ youth.   The overall message of the new church website works both ways, and it is ultimately a message that all FOLKS should show kindness, acceptance, and love to anyone and everyone who is gay.

please...

A MAGICAL NIGHT OF MYSTERY, MISERY, MIRACLES, & LOVE

 A post by me, Mrs. I Define Me, where I tell about the night my husband told me he is gay.

It was just a few weeks after our 10th Anniversary, and although we had just returned from a great little weekend get-a-way to celebrate that, and, even though I could name a list of wonderful blessings and good things in my life, there was an unexplainable, underlying, uneasiness in my soul. 

As I sat there in the window seat, watching up the street in front of our house, for my husband to return from the Fishing Techniques class he was attending that night with a friend, I felt sick inside.   I didn't understand why I was feeling that way, my beautifully decorated little house was cozy and peaceful as our children were all fast asleep in their beds.  I knew I was very blessed, and should have been extremely happy, but,... I was feeling so anxious and nervous inside. I just had this intense feeling that we (my husband & I) needed to talk. I wasn't sure what I was going to say.  I just knew, with every fiber of my being, that we needed to talk.

I was stuck somewhere between "can't sit still" and "paralyzed", and then, I saw the headlights coming down the dark culdesac street. It was quite late at night now, and I was afraid he'd be too tired to talk and would just want to go to bed.   As I heard the garage door open and close and his footstep on the stairs my heart was pounding.

He appeared in the opening to the living room; his tall, slightly muscular frame and his handsome, rugged face with mustache & goatee was so familiar to me, yet there was often something about him that seemed distant and I felt that he was drifting away.  I had learned through the years not to push too much, and since I kinda had to walk on eggshells now & then, I was afraid of opening a can of worms by demanding some attention and "communication time".   I wondered what I was going to say since I didn't even understand why I felt we needed to talk - I just did.

As he came up the stairs from the garage/family room level of our four level home to the newly remodeled living room, which we had really enjoyed building and decorating together, he noticed me sitting on the sofa in the dark.  He came in and sat lovingly close to me on the sofa.   I took a deep breath and.....before I could open my mouth to attempt some sort of "we need to talk" sentence, he said, "we need to talk". I felt the seriousness in his voice, but mostly I felt his humility and was aware that he was extremely nervous as well. Between my nerves and sensing his, I could hardly breathe.  My earlier thoughts about what I was going to say, that had been bouncing around in my head, were instantly still, and I was completely tuned in to hear what HE had to say instead.

 

He softly proceeded...

Him-  "I need to tell you something"
Me - (surprised and on the edge of my seat with a giant question mark over my head- curiously whispered ), "what?"
Him -  "I wasn't really at a fishing workshop tonight"
Me - (My face twisted into a totally puzzled expression) still speaking gently "Where were you?" (I was so blown away by the thought that my husband had told me he was going somewhere different than where he really went - I wasn't sure if I should gear up to be mad and through a fit, or just be hurt, or hear his explanation, or what, but I was way to curious to decide how to feel or react)
Him - (slowly, nervously,& humbly) "I was at a group meeting for gay men"
Me - (confused but calm) "Do YOU think you're GAY?"
Him - (With conviction) "I AM"

**In an instant my fairy tale life, as I knew it, went ~POOOF!~**

I think I was in shock, and I don't remember saying a word....

Then, my husband, talking very lovingly and tenderly to me, began to tell me all about it.

 

He said he'd like for us to kneel together in prayer and we did. He offered a beautiful prayer, and after I returned to sitting on the sofa, he stayed on his knees, took my hand, and asked me to please just listen to all that he had to say.  He sweetly told me that he truly loved me,  that he wanted to try to save our marriage, and that he hoped that I would please just give him a chance.

 

I knew he was "for real".  He was suddenly a different person than the man that I usually knew, but clearly THIS was the man I knew I had married.  It was such an amazing and instant transformation, he was so familiar to my heart and my soul.  He was being completely vulnerable, and I knew it was genuine, and, I knew this wasn't an act.  I felt his spirit, I knew he loved me, and I felt his love stronger and more sincerely than I ever had before.   It's just hard to explain, but for a few moments the world, and all reality just went away. It was just us, and God, our souls connected and our spirits sored.  It's sorta seemed like I had been parched and thirsting in the desert for such a long time, and suddenly, his tenderness, honesty, humility, and love were like the big drink of water that I had been dying for for so long.  

 

I don't think I actually thought these words, but in essence, I think I was feeling like, "if THIS is the man that I get to be married to from now on,.... who cares if he's gay". 

I seem to remember quite clearly the feelings I felt that night. I do believe that to some degree I was in shock, but I was also amazingly calm. I was so overwhelmed with a sense of peace that it seemed  unimaginable for such an overwhelming moment of such devastating news. 

 

Although he had actually tried to tell me about his attraction to men, through a very brief comment on our honeymoon, I was just so naive that it totally went over my head, and I never really thought about it again.  Even with that tiny tidbit of information, I had never had any suspicions about my husband's sexuality.  But, once I was told, I felt this unexplainable sense of peace immediately, and as we proceeded to talk about our past 10 years together, I saw how all the pieces of the puzzle fit right into place. 

 

By the way,- I don't kick myself or beat myself up for being so "dumb" because "it" was just not on my radar AT ALL.   I was typically not a jealous type person, so I was not even "watching" to catch him looking at woman, and, I was not ever offended if he did.  Therefore, I was TOTALLY oblivious to him noticing MEN.  And I only had about a spec of knowledge when it came to homosexuality, back then.  Back in the early 90's - in Utah, (and having been raised in a small little sheltered town -which I want to say here that I loved and cherish my childhood there, and wouldn't trade it for the world to this day).

Anyway, I am so truly amazed at how calmly I reacted to such shocking information.  Oh, but I was not so completely at peace that I was immediately accepting of it all. I had a long, long way to go towards the acceptance, understanding, and peace that I feel today.

 

(As a matter of fact, I will eventually tell about the heartbreaking & devastating, years of hell that followed, but that will be in future posts - so stick around).

Finding out that my husband of 10 years was gay was, to say the least, shocking.  But, what was even more shocking, was the information that came next. 

 

So, back to our magical night of mystery, misery, miracles, and love.... 

Up to that point, I was listening and learning about the meeting he had just attended, (Evergreen), and a lot about his childhood, his feelings, his confusion about himself, and his excitement in finding some answers to his life long questions about himself and his homosexuality.   All of that was truly a lot to deal with, but as I said, I was surprisingly at peace. Then came… the rest of the story…. as he proceeded to confess the truth about his past.

 

I remember listening with shock and disbelief as he began to tell me of the things that he had done. I literally had to lie down on the sofa, my body felt so weak, my neck could not even hold up my head.   Eventually we took this "meeting" down to the family room, to be further away from the sleeping kids; and as I lay down on the sofa, he knelt beside me on the floor as he spoke.  Again he asked me to "just listen", and allow him to get it all out, ensuring me that  he would then answer every and all the questions I had.  That was hard for me, but I agreed.   He was still so amazingly humbled, and with great honesty, vulnerability, and respect, he selflessly confessed and explained to me about cruising, gaydar, and some stuff we won't get into here.

 I remember as he would tell me something, I would struggle to wrap my mind around it, (I was so extremely naive). I would think I was doing pretty good, and was staying pretty calm, and then, he would tell me more, and I would think “wow---- ok”, and then he would tell me more.... Each time I thought that was it, and then he would tell me more. I was dumbfounded  and shocked to know what had been going on behind my back for several years. I felt overwhelmed, stupid, confused, deceived, and furious, but mostly I just felt broken hearted.

Let me just say that, ... the feeling of being lied to and deceived, by someone you love & trust, who you believe loves & respects you, is the most hurtful & painful feeling I’ve ever felt in my life. But through it all, I know that the Lord was with us and that he truly blessed me to stay calm and not have a fit. I know that my wonderful husband was so filled with the spirit of God as he courageously told me everything. (and I mean everything~~~) His humility and honesty was amazing and drew me to him with a great deal of compassion and love.  By the time he was "done" sharing it all, I was so emotionally/mentally/physically/spiritually exhausted, I only asked a few questions and I was done~. 

 

 *Important Note -  I need to mention, at this point, that through the coming days, weeks, months, and years, he continued to calmly, honestly, and lovingly answer every question I threw at him, and, let me just say.....I asked  THEM ALL, and I believe that it was his complete honesty, with not a spec of denial, excuses, or defensiveness, that helped me to stick around long enough to learn & understand, to heal, to forgive, to trust again, and to move on to the amazing and wonderful marriage and relationship which we have today.

Well, so - it was getting close to morning and we had been up talking almost all night. I had cried so much that I had a terrible head ache and my body was shaking with chills. I went up to take a hot bath, and he followed me. He sat on the edge of the tub and rubbed my temples to help my headache. It wasn't an act, he was so genuinely humbled, showing such compassion and love towards me that, as bad as it all was, it was amazingly good at the same time. It was truly a spiritual experience for us both.

We were completely exhausted and went to bed and slept soundly for just a couple of hours. As I woke up I remember thinking I was awakening to a nightmare. It was like somebody had died. It was a horrible feeling and I wanted so badly to just go back to sleep and never wake up again. The reality of what had transpired throughout the night was almost more than I could bare, and I truly, and even physically felt that my heart was broken.

Someone HAD died, there was A PART OF  ME that had died, and I mourned that loss of the fantasy life I thought I knew; the life I had put my whole heart into for 10 years. But, at the same time I felt this little spark of hope, and the spirit of God urged me to push ahead. 

 

After all, I WAS still alive, I had questions to get answered, I had kids to get to school, I had a job and a home and a family and a life.  And, although, the words to a song rang out in my head, "why does the world go on turning? - why do these eyes of mine smile? - don't they know, it's the end of the world.....", the truth was that the world was still turning, and I knew God would help me, comfort me, and guide me.   Most important, I had this  "new" special, loving, spiritual, humble, and amazing man as my husband, and I was actually anxious to start anew, to begin again, to learn, to grow, and to "re"-define my life hand in hand with my husband who desired to, and was committed and determined to, "re"-define himself,   believing it could be done with faith in God, and with alot of help from the Savior, Jesus Christ. 

 

*Now, over 20 years later, I testify that he has redefined himself, and it has absolutely been by the power of God and through great faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ.  But, we've been through a whole lot of "stuff" along the way.  Back then, I would have never guessed what trials were ahead, but I can honestly say that it has ALL been worth it for the things that we've learned, the blessings of happiness & peace that we enjoy, and our love that has grown to be so amazing and great, like we never, ever, imagined it could be.   We'll tell all about it here on our blog (for those who are interested in our story), and we will try to honestly and frankly answer any questions that are asked, as we share the truth about the "years" of mystery, misery, miracles, and love, that have transpired since that "night" of mystery, misery, miracles, and love.

 

 

AWARENESS, CONFLICT, & RESCUE

**I knew I was gay when I was about 10 yrs old.

In my early childhood years my best friend was a year older than me. He and I kicked around our tiny little farming community with several older guys, (his big brother and friends). Occasionally these older guys would acquire what we called “SMUT” magazines, (similar to playboy), and it was immediately evident to me that I was attracted to the men in the pictures, and not the women. This was long before the onset of puberty for me, because I didn’t reach puberty until I was about 16 years old (like a Jr. in high school- but that’s getting ahead of the story)

So, whenever we gathered to view the "SMUT", I was somehow fully aware that we were there to look at the girls. But I was not even interested in looking at the girls, I just automatically and always looked at the guys. I didn’t even think anything of it at the time, it was just a “turn on” – it was instant.   I didn't even understand the physical side effects of viewing the "SMUT".  And, back then, I basically didn’t even know of the words “gay” or “homosexual” or "heterosexual".

Although I was aware that all the other guys were looking at the girls, and, I somehow knew that I probably should not let anyone know that I was looking at the guys, I truly don’t believe that I even knew anything about homosexuality or heterosexuality back then. I was just a fairly sheltered little farm boy from a very tiny little town. I remember how, at that point, I didn't feel guilt because of the attraction, but I did feel an instinct that it was "not natural", or that something was “wrong” with me? Anyway, I definitely felt guilt relating to the viewing of the pictures and the actions that went along with it.

Back then, the daily activities of this 10-11 yr old boy were not at all consumed by the fact that I was attracted to the same sex. “It” was just a sideline to my life. There was life to be lived; there was Mom & Dad, brothers & sisters, family & friends, and there was all kinds of “kid” things to do (ie: lots of play time in the summer, lots of fishing, riding horses, & lots of other stuff) and “it” (the thoughts, the acts, the guilt & the worries) did not consume my life. But, as I grew older it became more “acute”, and I became more “focused” on the male body (I imagine in a very similar way that the straight guys become focused on the female body).

It  was very frustrating to me that all my straight friends were very focused on the women and I seemed to have blurred vision for the women, and was totally focused on the men. This fact caused me a great deal of anguish, because I knew that I was so different. I also "knew" that I couldn’t tell anybody, and I couldn’t share my feelings or concerns.   I saw no examples of homosexuality in my life or on tv, and for a long time I truly believed that I was the only person on earth with such feelings.  Some of my conflict came from the very undeniable fact that I had the physical anatomy (a penis) which seemed to be obviously designed to fit with the physical anatomy of a woman.  But my mental development (sexual attraction) did not match my physical body, therefore the conflict.

The older I got, the worse it got for me. All my friends were constantly noticing, looking at, and talking about “girls”, … I would be stricken with anguish. I would get a sick feeling and wonder WHY?. Why was I like this? Why was I different? And I often wondered, “how much did God have to do with this”?    I definitely DID NOT feel like God had done this TO me; and I had absolutely no thoughts that I was cursed or being punished,... I just had thoughts and hopes of somehow, someday being RESCUED, and I knew that God was the one who could do that.

I was not raised with much religion, no prayer or teachings of God in our home, although I did attend some church meetings with my friends, and I was baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as a child.  I had always believed in God, and felt a personal relationship with Him, even as a very young child.   The little association I had with the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ were always of a loving and accepting Heavenly Father, and there was never anything said, taught, or implied in those church meetings that lead me to believe that my feelings were bad or wrong.  I know, that at that time in my life,  my personal belief  that my attractions were "not good for me" came from what I call "The Light of Christ", which I believe is given to all.

So, my childhood years and my school years were in some ways a living hell.  I lived alone with my secret, telling no one but God.  God was my only companion through my confusion, I did get some comfort through Him, but mainly, I just wondered IF GOD WAS GOING TO HELP ME?   I wondered if He would RESCUE me from my anguish...... AND NOW,  35 YRS LATER,  I TESTIFY THAT HE HAS.  

INTRODUCTION

This blog is created jointly by my husband, known here as Mr. I Define Me, and me, known here as Mrs. I Define Me, with additional insights by our daughter, Jr. I Define Me.

Most of the typing is done by me, Mrs. IDM because Mr. IDM hates to type and I'm an expert - but alot of the posts and comments will actually be directly from Mr. IDM because we have hours of recordings (that have been transcribed into notes) as he has related many of his experiences and feelings.  I will also share some of my thoughts and writings  (because I'm a writer and because Mr. is often very busy with his job that takes him all over the world). But,  please know and understand that WE are truly a team with  pretty much the same beliefs, and we have an impeccable  understanding of each other's feelings, and basically share everything with each other.  We have, through the years, established, and fine tuned, some pretty amazing and completely honest communication skills, so it is easy for us to talk about anything.  We hope to have open dialog and be available to answer questions in a very timely manner (if not immediately). 

I, Mr. I Define Me,   release all authority to my wife to share my story, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, trials, struggles, etc.  because  I trust that she knows all about me, and I  have great  respect  for her and honor her for her writing skills and ability to tell OUR experiences and express OUR feelings.  I will also be very proactive on this blog and I'm excited to get started...so...

Welcome to OUR blog:

Hello, I am Mr. I Define Me.  The main theme of this blog is in relation to my life as a homosexual man who has found peace and happiness in my life as I have managed to take control of my life, and DEFINE MYSELF, into the man that I feel is most authentic to me, (in spite of my physical attraction to men), by doing the following...

* Offering my best effort daily into living the Gospel of Jesus Christ
* Honoring my marriage (for 30+ years) to my wife, a heterosexual woman
* Gratefully loving being a Father to my 4 children
* Delighting in being a Grandpa to my grandchildren
* Defiantly walking away from my past of seeking sexual liaisons with other men
* Humbly & sincerely repenting for my deceitful lies and marital infidelity, and for my unhealthy sexual activities of, and addiction to masturbating to homosexual fantasies
* Respectfully and enthusiastically building an authentic, honest, loving, spiritual, and fulfilling relationship with my beautiful and amazing wife who I love with all my heart more and more each day.
* Prayerfully and consistently redirecting my sexual desires away from men and towards my wife by focusing on, recognizing, and appreciation of healthy sexual interaction, flirting, anticipation, and experiences with her.
* Faithfully diminishing my obsessive sexual thoughts by turning my heart, soul, and mind to God
* Steadfastly and completely eliminating my selfish, lonely, and unholy practice of masturbation, by continuously replacing those urges with healthy life coping skills, but mostly by cultivating my increasing physical desire for my wife, which has evolved into an indescribable blessing of enhanced pleasure and complete fulfillment beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  I testify that I know that these blessings are a direct result of my 100% abstinence from masturbation.  I am shocked and amazed that I have actually been able to take such control of this practice that has almost always been a regular part of my life since age 10.
*Willingly committing my life to God, as I have found that it is only when I am spiritually minded, prayerful, and submissive to my Heavenly Father and His son, my Savior Jesus Christ, that I truly feel at peace within myself and am completely able to enjoy the countless blessings of my wonderful life.

DISCLAIMER.....

I know that my beliefs, choices, and lifestyle may not be accepted by some, and that some may be intimidated and even angry with me (and my wife) for our openness in sharing our story with the world;  but then, it is OUR LIFE, and OUR STORY, and our story is unique, interesting, and might possibly be inspiring to some.

We are not here to change the world, we are not here to change anybody, for that matter. We whole heartedly acknowledge that this subject is sensitive and the issue is complicated. We certainly don’t have all the answers, and we ask that our readers and/or critics will admit to the same.
So, we respectfully request the same open-mindedness, individual respect, and acceptance from those in the gay community (and their advocates) that they have been working so hard for years to achieve for themselves.
I don’t see my lifestyle and choices as going backwards from the progression/movement towards homosexual awareness, but instead, I see acknowledgement and acceptance of me and my life as coming FULL CIRCLE, where ALL gay men can be respected as intellectual individuals who have the right to live their life according to the dictates of their own conscience, without ridicule, outside pressures, or judgements. 

Our hope is that OUR story might somehow and in some way help someone. Maybe, it will help open some minds, maybe it will promote patience, tolerance, acceptance, and love. Maybe it will give some sort of hope to someone who currently has none.  This is why we have decided to share.


Hi ! - I am Mrs. I Define Me.  Thank you for your interest in our blog.  I am excited to share our story.  It is an amazing and compelling story of LOVE, trials, confusion, LOVE, heartache, secrets, conflict, LOVE, forgiveness, patience, learning, growing, LOVE, humility, strength, commitment, perseverance,  faith, and miracles, ..... but mostly LOVE. 

OUR story is all of the above mentioned, and more, but first and foremost, it is about GOD'S LOVE.

Together we will share some of our most intimate experiences and feelings.   We will share the good and the bad, some of the realities that aren't pretty, and the truth about the ups and downs.  We will also attempt to answer many of the questions that we know a lot of people might have.  We promise to be genuine, honest, realistic, and spiritual, and we hope to be respectful, funny,  lovable, entertaining, and down to earth.

I honor my husband, his courage, faith, strength, and commitment to God. I am so excited to tell his story of how and why he has intelligently and thoughtfully chosen to mold his life through following his instincts, his personal beliefs in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and his lifelong relationship with God, - which, was more powerful and more important, to him, than his desires for, and sexual attraction to, men. He chose NOT to embrace his homosexuality, but instead, he chose to abstain from homosexual acts, repent of his marital infidelity, take control of his homosexual thoughts, and (he says, most importantly) to abstain from masturbation, and be faithful to me, his wife, and committed to his understanding and belief in God.

This is the story of our “extra- ordinary" life. We have lived it, are still living it, and have decided to share it. God has worked many miracles in our lives and we feel that it is God’s will that we tell these experiences to those who are receptive to hear. We realize that there will be some who, for whatever reason, do not agree with our beliefs,  may not believe what we say,  but, we are hoping and praying that those people will recognize that this blog is not for them and leave it for the consumption of those who find it interesting or inspiring, or those who can relate to our story and might possibly find it helpful to them.

We just want our voices to be heard, and to proclaim to the world that marriages like ours DO exist, CAN be successful, and, that we are OK.  We are happy, fulfilled, and completely confident that what we have molded for ourselves IS a great and wonderful most authentic relationship.  We have an undying love for each other, great respect and understanding for each other, and we are closer and more complete now than we have ever been.

DISCLAIMER.....

We hope and insist, that OUR story will be understood as just that, OUR STORY, not to be used in any way to pressure anyone, not to be misunderstood, in any way, as an effort to promote our life decisions and beliefs for anyone else.

We don't want our blog to turn into a place for heated debate and controversy. Although we DO want intelligent, thoughtful, and diverse discussion, and we appreciate all unique points of view, we DO NOT want any comments to be blatantly hurtful to us or to others, and we hope to keep a learning and growing environment full of love, respect, and most of all, where the spirit of God can be felt.

We hate to have to "approve" comments, but we will if it becomes necessarily in order to maintain the boundaries we have set for our blog.  So please refrain from comments that contain ad hominem and straw man arguments. (If you are unfamiliar with these terms, an ad hominem argument is belittling somebody to argue against their position, and a straw man argument is when you oversimplify someone else's opinion so it is easier to lampoon.)  Please refrain from attacking our beliefs, religion, and spiritual leaders.  We respectfully request respect, and believe that intelligent and civil discussion is not too much to ask - since it's OUR BLOG.  Thanks :)

So, having said that...We are grateful you are here and we are excited to tell our story.  We have some pretty awesome "stuff" to tell you, and we hope you'll stick around and enjoy.