WHO HURTS WORSE? Two perspectives of 'Hell'

PART II - Her Story.....

(Mrs. I Define Me here - whew~ ~ ~ helping Mr. IDM with Part I was truly draining, and now I am totally dragging my feet to buckle down and write my side, Part II.

*time passes~~~

I used to be a swimmer, so I guess I'll just dive in head first, ~~ here goes....

I was introduced to masturbation very early in my childhood.  It wasn't any body's 'fault', I discovered it quite naturally, probably like so many children do.  I literally can't even think of how old I might have been.  I know I was still in elementary school for sure.  I was cuddling near some warm blowing air, wrapped in a towel, after my bath, to get warm.  It was a completely innocent and surprising thing when I discovered some feelings that I had never felt before.  It took quite some time, months (maybe years), of little 'incidents' with myself  until, as I grew older, I began to plan ahead, and arrange these opportunities, and experiment, etc., when eventually I discovered the 'end' result of such exploration, and I had an orgasm....which blew my mind!  I did not know anything about sex, and I didn't understand what had happened, I just knew I liked it.  But,  I clearly had an 'instinct' that it was somehow 'wrong' or that it was a 'naughty' thing to do.  I had not learned of such things from any person, or tv show, or any 'outside' force in my life.  I had just discovered it on my own,  and I felt guilty on my own.  I definitely had no one in my life who would have made me feel that it was 'wrong' or 'bad', because I don't think anyone in my life would have ever guessed that I had discovered masturbation, let alone believed that I was 'indulging' in it at such an early age.

I, like my husband, also believe that it was the Light of Christ in me, as a child, that told me in some sort of unexplainable way, that I was 'playing with fire' (so to speak), and that it was not pleasing in God's sight.  Right from the start I determined that I should not do that again, but it was so very compelling, and felt so good, I often failed at my efforts to abstain.  I never told anyone, and, although I tried through the years to stop, and, at times, went for months and even years without an incident, I was never able to completely abstain, until I was in college and realized the truth, that this activity was detrimental to my soul.

By this time in my life, (late teens - early twenties), I felt 'out of control', and I desperately wanted to take control of my life.  I didn't like the guilt and the shame that I felt, and, as I grew to understand the truths about sexuality,  I  knew that this was something very special that needed to be 'saved' for the proper time and right person to share it with.  By the way, there was never an official birds and the bees 'sex talk' with my Mom or anything like that, although my Mom was practically the perfect Mom in almost every way.  Actually, I can't be sure, but I kind of think that because I was the youngest, and she was a very busy woman, she probably forgot who she'd talked to about what, - but that's ok.  And, if the truth were known, I'm not sure which of my children I talked with about sex either - which I feel bad about and wish that I would have done better.

During my teenage years, I had a steady boyfriend.  We 'basically' dated exclusively for a few years (against my parents best efforts to teach me to hold off on such serious dating - I just somehow wiggled out of their control).  Eventually, through the years, we slowly but surely worked our way from kissing, to petting, to finally 'going all the way' (as we called it back in the 70's - do they still say that now?).  So, basically, I was sexually active with my boyfriend (btw- not that it matters, but, he was a nice, responsible, hard working, smart, school leader, lovable, active LDS young man - who, incidentally, often blessed the sacrament on Sunday, even though he had been parking with me on that Saturday night just before).  My soap box here - I think that teenage sexuality and sexual activity is something that we, as a Christian society, need to open our eyes to, take more seriously, do more to educate our youth, and take our heads out of the sand.  Especially related to sexual orientation issues.  I do think we're much better than we used to be, but it's a big deal, and the adversary (Satan) has the media in his pocket, so we need to counter that with a big fight.  (I'm just sayin...) - end of soap box.

Anyway, we really did have a desire to 'be good', to stop messing around, and to save ourselves for each other, as we were sure we would eventually be married - (we were  SO IN LOVE! )  Well, we mostly failed at our efforts to abstain, and, to make a long story short...... our relationship didn't work out, (it was my fault), I found someone new, and eventually we had sex too.  Disclaimer >It wasn't really that I was a 'bad' girl, - I had never had a drink, (still haven't), never smoked, (still haven't), didn't do drugs, (still haven't), and I prayed daily, attended church, ,and basically obeyed every law you can name, ---but, I was definitely NOT the perfect 'Mormon' girl that I always hoped and wished I could be.

I did, however, always have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and basically tried to live a good life that would be pleasing unto the Lord, which I knew, and believed to be, the path to true happiness and peace.  When I was 17 years old, I went to my Bishop, repented of my pre-marital sexual activity, broke up with my boyfriend, and got myself back on the path that was more in line with the teachings of the gospel.  What an amazing blessing and discovery, as I learned the wonderful truth about the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ.   I felt like a new person, and I found it quite easy to 'be good' and follow His teachings, but... I 'still' did, occasionally have a run in with Satan through masturbation until....

Eventually I was inspired to talk with a wonderful teacher, who I loved and trusted, from the Institute of Religion (from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints),  about my problems with masturbation.  He was amazingly understanding and kind and good, and he helped me to change my thought process, and to find the strength, through my Savior Jesus Christ, to stop this 'unhealthy' practice once and for all.  It was a great relief to my heart, mind, and soul, and I am so grateful for the spirit of the Holy Ghost which testified to me that it was wrong, and who also guided and strengthened me as I put my faith in God to help me improve my life.

Through this experience in my life, I have established a very strong testimony of the words in the scriptures stating that "our weaknesses shall become our strengths", because that is exactly how it turned out to be for me.  Although I tried not to ever pressure my husband to abstain from masturbation, because I know that it is a very personal and difficult thing, I did, however, occasionally bear testimony to him of my knowledge and experience, of the great relief it was to my soul when I stopped, and how I absolutely know that I am blessed with an ability to have amazing, completely fulfilling sex (with him) because of  abstaining from it, as well.

I tell this for two reasons - 1. because I think it's important to tell this 'hard' stuff in order to possibly help and inspire others.  and 2.  because I sorta believe that because of my experience with masturbation and premarital sex and repentance, that I was better able to understand, and have compassion for, my husband's problems and struggles too.

So, I have always been a sensitive person.  I can cry over a great song or a romantic 'commercial'.  I am extremely patriotic, but, most important to me, I am grateful that I am a very spiritual person.  I have always been prayerful, and I do feel like I have alot of faith.  God, and the gospel of Jesus Christ, are of great importance to me and have been throughout my life.  But, I have also always been very emotional.  In some ways, being emotional can be a 'good' thing, but I think in this post I will mostly be telling about how it has often been a 'bad' thing for me.

I remember as a child having to come home from school 'sick' although there was no specific illness apparent, I just felt sick inside, and I didn't understand it, but I remember and know that IT WAS REAL, and I could not function because of it. It might have been related to having my feelings hurt by someone or something, or maybe I was just overwhelmed with school in general.  I remember feeling 'bullied' by a few of my "friends'.  And, since I didn't have much of a competitive spirit, I was often uncomfortable in PE class (especially 'Dodge Ball' ! - that is cruel and unusual punishment to a kid, and the process of 'picking sides' should be outlawed - just my opinion - ;)  ).

I kind of have to laugh about this now, but I remember, as an elementary age girl, crying to my Mom and telling her "I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown".   Maybe, sorta, in a way......I've always been a bit of  'an emotional wreck'.  Personally, and I may be wrong but, I don't see it as being 'a drama queen' but more of just possibly being 'overly sensitive'.  You'll see how this plays out throughout my life, and how it has definitely added to the trauma of my out of control marriage, and the 'dysfunctional' family that we were attempting to raise amidst great personal trials.

Just a side note here - I remember a time when I felt most in control of my life, and although, at that time,  I was lonely, a single mom, and desperate to feel valued and loved, but, I still recall great clarity and purpose and a sense of well being even through my trials and pain.  It was when Mr. IDM was serving his mission, I was writing to him weekly (and he wrote to me weekly as well), and I was faithfully writing in my journal.  Writing is definitely therapeutic to me, my Dad wrote a lot in journals as well, and I think that is why I am enjoying this 'blogging' experience so much, I love writing, and it is truly therapeutic for me.  So, Thank you!  my blog friends, for being my listening ear.  Even if you don't comment, I somehow know you're out there, and certainly I don't expect you to always (or ever) 'agree' with my thoughts, feelings, or beliefs - there's just something special about sharing my writing, it gives me a sense of 'value', and then, IF, you comment on, or agree with, or appreciate, what I've had to say... it's the icing on the cake. :)

Ok, so now that I've got you all cozied up to be my BFFs, I'm gonna tell you something that might blow your mind, and you might think I'm an idiot and fool....  But, please, cut me some slack and realize that I was truly naive about homosexuality back in the early 80's, and I was raised in a small, sheltered, Mormon community, in a home where what we watched on tv was carefully monitored, and where I literally had never, ever, heard of the word 'gay' until after I went to college.  And, even then, I was still in a small college town, which was a sheltered Mormon community as well.

So, after writing to Mr. IDM throughout his mission, we were definitely deeply in love, and shortly after he got home we got married.  On our honeymoon, we had good sex, and we had some wonderful and lovable times together, but somewhere along the second or third day (a couple of days before we were planning to go home), we had some disagreements, and I, being my typical emotional self, cried... and even spent some time crying in the bathroom of our hotel.  Something just wasn't right, and my husband turned off all quiet and said we needed to talk about something; and I could tell it was quite serious.   Here we were, finally together after his mission, so much in love, and on our honeymoon.   I couldn't imagine what was the 'big deal'.  We lay down together on our bed just to talk.  I pressured him to tell me what was going on, and he said, (pretty much these exact words), "I just think you should know that years ago, I spent some time at a relatives home in San Francisco,  and, well, you know San Francisco is where lots of gay people live and I got thinking about it back then, and so years ago, I kinda wondered if I was gay" (and he laughed - hahahaha - like 'wasn't that stupid of me?')......

Ok --- I KNOW - you're thinkin "YIKES", serious RED FLAG!!.  I know, - I know, ...  I can totally see that now, but, seriously, it absolutely and totally went right over my head at the time.  I just knew nothing about homosexuality, and I think that back then I assumed people chose to be gay or they 'went wacko' or something, and I absolutely 'KNEW'  that my husband, the missionary, who I'd been having sex with on our honeymoon, for the past couple of days, certainly WAS NOT GAY.

 I don't know why I didn't realize that he had made a whole big deal of cutting our honeymoon short and driving home with this heavy air of 'we need to talk' looming, and I still was seriously oblivious to the whole ordeal.  I just chalked it up to what I figured was 'a typical teenage guy thing', and I felt bad that my husband was even bothered by this old (probably one day of thought) thing that he experienced years ago.  I thought, "how silly", and we laughed it off.  And, it was literally NEVER spoken of again (for 10 years), and I completely forgot all about it within days, maybe within hours.  But... then 10 years later, when he told me about the meeting he'd attended for men who are gay, and I said, "do you think you're gay?" and he said "I am", it all came rushing back to me and blew my mind.

I'm sure some would say that I was one of those 'starry eyed' girls who just wanted desperately to be 'in love' and married;  well maybe, I really don't know and can't say.  I do know one thing, I don't feel that I was tricked or deceived.   I understand that my husband was just as confused as I was, and although he definitely knew that he was (is) a homosexual, and he certainly knew that he didn't make that clear, he was still hoping and praying that it was a 'phase' that  would surely leave, and that through marriage and time, his 'problem' would be 'fixed', and all would be well.  And, I have nobody to blame but myself for being so completely naive and blind to the writing on the wall. 

Anyway, it is what it is - and so here we are.  Yep, I'm completely embarrassed to tell this truth, especially now, knowing all that I know about homosexuality, with almost a phD in 'gay guys'.  Also, just to be clear,  I definitely did not intent to keep this part of our story out of this blog, I just knew that I wanted to tell about it in this very post where I planned to tell all the messy and foolish and 'bad' confessions about myself all at once.   ~~~~~it's gonna be a  looonnnggg post ~~~~ buckle up ;)

Throughout the first 10 years of our marriage we had alot of great times, a really good life, in many ways, and we enjoyed all the beginnings of a new life together.  Going to college, finding jobs, changing jobs, moving up, having babies, buying homes/cars/trucks/boats/'things', redecorating, landscaping, making friends, activity in the church, going to movies, trips and adventures, boating/ hunting/ fishing/ crafting/ sewing/ swimming, and the list goes on and on. We were very much in love, we were best friends, we had fun, and we got along quite well, most of the time. 

BUT... there was just this little glimmer of 'something missing' that was mostly not even noticeable, except for when we had disagreements or arguments, etc.  Sometimes I felt like my 'dreams' of that happily ever after and madly in love were just not exactly coming true, but,  I just kicked myself for being so selfish, unrealistic, and what I thought must just be a foolish wish for some 'fantasy world' that actually nobody really truly ever has.

When times were rough, I would feel like my husband was sort of drifting away from me on a boat, and I actually told him about these feelings one day, and I begged him to "please, jump ship and swim back to me".  I can't remember his exact response to my analogy and plea, (which I thought was quite clever and would probably be well received and have a big, positive, impact),  but, I remember that his response was empty and flat, and left me feeling anything but all warm and fuzzy inside, (which was the results I had hoped for).  I think that alot of the time, my efforts to communicate and grow closer were like I was a little puppy dog, do barking at the master's heels, running in circles, doing tricks, wagging my tail, hoping for attention and affirmation. Thinking back, it was sorta pathetic.  It reminds me of a scene in the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding", where I always get a sick feeling in my stomach when I watch it, where Julia Roberts has stolen a big delivery truck and is chasing the man she loves, but he is driving another vehicle chasing his fiance' (who he loves), and Julia's friend (who is on the phone with her) says to her, "he's chasing her.... and you're chasing him....who's chasing you?? - NO -ONE!"  It's so sad :(

Throughout so much of our marriage, both before his coming out to me, and after, I was quick to accept the belief that 'I' was the problem, and 'I' was a mess, and 'I' needed to be 'fixed'.  So, I went to counseling a few different times, but because of my totally rosie and peachy childhood, (I'm serious, it really was - my brothers and sisters experienced it as well, and even my husband soon realized it, and agrees that it's true) there was just no one big skeleton in my closet to be discovered by my shrink of the day.  Well, who knew.... that the skeleton was not in 'my closet', it was in my husband's 'closet' instead.  As a matter of fact,  my husband, himself,  WAS in the 'closet'.

But hey!,... I was not free from issues, I'm sure nobody is, and, I did find out, through therapy, that I had rejection issues, I was co-dependant, and I had some very well hidden low self-esteem.   Even my near perfect childhood, and my amazingly wonderful parents, still couldn't save me from some dysfunction and MY issues (which were all determined to be caused by people 'outside' of my happy home - ie: childhood friends, boyfriends, and even neighbors, and just me - myself - and 'I').  It seems that no matter how hard we try, life just HAS to sometimes be hard, and we all have to deal with 'something' along the way.  I'm actually grateful for my trials, and I sincerely believe they all have and continue to, help me grow.  I am surely a better person because of  the hardships and storms.  Of course, our Heavenly Father knows that it's through our trials we will grow and so he often allows the storms in our lives to rage.

Speaking of RAGE.... let me tell a little about my internalized anger, my lack of ability to express anger, and my passive/aggressive behavior, that I am just recently willing to acknowledge, and learning to understand.  I have always been an emotional person, but I have emphatically preferred the emotion of 'happy', so I did whatever it takes to be happy, appear happy, keep everybody happy, and, like the song says, "Put on a Happy Face"! 

There is, however, a problem with such high expectations of such extreme happiness and positivity, - the reality of discouragement, discontentment, disbelief, and disappointment (which is inevitable in life) just simply has to come out somewhere, somehow.  For me, it was through some deep and often hidden underlying depression, obsessive shopping and eating, and secretly holding grudges and storing ammunition against others (so that when they hurt me, I'd have some real concrete truths about their weaknesses and faults to shoot at them to prove that 'I'm right' - and 'they're wrong').

I am not proud of my sly tactics, and I certainly didn't even realize what a fierce warrior I was until recently, because, until recently,  I just usually survived on the thoughts that I was picked on, mistreated, disrespected, and none of it was 'fair' - cause I was 'such a good person', and I was just trying my best to keep the peace.  Blah blah blah....  Remember, I want everybody just to be happy and nice and kind and loving and patient and helpful and obedient and good, and pay attention to me...  Is that tooo much to ask? lol  (sarcasm - can you tell?)  Speaking of rage - can you feel my rage even now?  I'm assuming you can, cause I'm feeling it,... I think it's because of my embarrassment about my weaknesses, and I really don't know now to handle it, still, to this very day.  (where is that therapist, Josh Weed, when I need him? - lol ! )

I do continue to hope and believe that I'm not too terrible of a person, and that I do have alot of good qualities, talents, and strengths.  I insist that, throughout all the 'hell',  I did truly try to be genuinely patient and forgiving and lovable for real.  And, I think that I sincerely did accomplish this alot of the time, but I must confess that there were definitely a lot of times when the dysfunction in our home was possibly more because of MY issues and weaknesses than because of  my husband's.  Yes, he was definitely 'missing in action' and 'not plugged in' to the family and our marriage and our life back then.  But I WAS there, I WAS the one 'with' the kids, I WAS the example in front of their faces, and I WAS, definitely, and often AN EMOTIONAL MESS.

At the time, I believed I was just doing the best that I could, under the circumstances, but I realize now how unacceptable that was, and my heart breaks for my children and the tension they must have felt, and especially the lack of loving attention they desperately needed and truly deserved.   Actually, some of those years literally seem like a blur to me now.  I was usually NOT the fun, silly, lovable Mom that I always really wanted to be.  I think sometimes I would 'fake it' as best I could, but I'm guessing that my children probably sensed the lack of 'realness' and were probably emotionally damaged as they missed out on alot of the strength, support, affirmation,  love, and comfort that they needed from me.

I know that I was often very sad, and that I did a lot of crying.  I'm sure our children sensed our disagreements, even though we learned to keep the conflict away from the kids, and got really good at NOT yelling, etc. in front of them.  In the earlier years, however, we did just 'get into it' whenever and where ever the tension blew. (ps -not over the 'secret' issue, - but about everything else, stupid things mostly).  It seems that we disagreed about so many unimportant things, (which I won't even begin to name) but a big one seemed to be -what to eat, how to cook it, and if it was 'tasty' enough.   This mealtime drama made me hate to cook.

So,  I didn't really enjoy cooking, (still don't), and so, this very important part of motherhood, cooking and mealtime, which should have been a fun, special, nurturing time with my children, was just a burden and a trial a lot of the time.  This especially makes me terribly sad because I know the truth of how important mealtime and healthy meals really is in a child's life and development.  Now, I am very health conscious, have learned lots about nutrition, and I currently eat very healthy.  I hope that now, and in the future, I can be a much better example to my family, in hopes that I can undo some of the damage that was done in this department.

Sorry - I know this is turning out to be REALLY LONG - and I don't blame you if you quite reading - but the following confessions are necessary and very real, and I must finish what I've started - I'm not really even sure why, I just must...

I'm very embarrassed to admit that several times I obsessively followed my husband, I literally stalked him, hoping to 'catch' him, I really don't know why - maybe to prove to myself what I basically already knew, or maybe to have ammunition against him, or maybe to humiliate him.  (maybe all of the above)  Anyway, I eventually realized that it was stupid, and that it was damaging to me and my soul, so I confessed to him and committed to never do it again.   But,... I still did, a couple of times, again.

Since I was the money manager, although I rarely spent our 'bill' money, and we have always paid our bills, our tithing,  and had the groceries, and gas, etc. that we needed, I did often spend the 'extra' money we occasionally acquired here and there, instead of doing what I really should have done with it, save it, or use it for college, or emergencies, or family vacations or trips, (although I don't think that back then my husband was even into taking 'family' trips anyway, as he just liked to 'take off' on his own).   Instead, I shopped (for bargains, yard sale finds, etc. which were mostly always for the kids and our home - sometimes for 'things' just for me - but mostly, it was all 'just stuff'!!), but back then, I think that deep inside, I often felt that "I deserved it", maybe as some sort of  'payback' for the hell my husband was putting me through, which I'm sure was a form of passive/aggressive behavior - not good.

I remember how, for probably the first half of our marriage, my husband would demand and insist that we worked out all the money HE 'needed' for his hobbies (hunting, fishing, boating, etc.) and it made budgeting and managing the money literally impossible for me.  I hated to tell him 'no' or tell the truth that we just didn't have it, so I twisted and tweaked and finagled as best as I could most of the time.

Then, eventually, somewhere along the way, I put my foot down, I prepared a bunch of charts showing how much 'HE' spent on HIS fun (compared to how much 'I' spent, on MY fun - which I pointed out was so much less than him, usually my fun was buying stuff for the house and the kids), and I established a strict budget, and he eventually had to get a second job to pay for HIS FUN, while I used 'some' of the money I made, from my job, for my fun, (I still paid for the gas & groceries & other household bills from my income) but, I confess, that usually I felt picked on and was upset because I had to help with the finances by working, outside the home.

 I believed that my #1 and most important 'job' was that of being a wife/mother/homemaker, and I always felt like I was NOT a good mom, wife, and homemaker, because I was burdened with having to have 'job'.  The stupid reality of this, that I think is important to share, is that if both of us would have been working together as a team (instead of this 'it's all about me' attitude that we each had) we both could have, and probably would have sacrifices much of our 'spending' and 'fun' money, so we could have done great things with it, and I could have probably not had to work, and therefore, been a better mother, etc.   I'm ashamed of this fact, it's hard to admit, but I must take the steps necessary to change this behavior as, I still to this day, find myself caught up in 'spending' too much money, when/IF, there's extra money available to be spend.  

I tell some of these issues, such as financial, etc. because it is interesting and wonderful that once we began working together, healing our issues, and most importantly included God and the gospel as #1 in our lives, it's like the fog was lifted, and we could see so many of the things we had done and were doing wrong, and, even greater was that we are able to admit the dysfunction, our weaknesses, our errors, and not hold grudges, just heal and move on.  It's a wonderful and freeing feeling, and one of the greatest blessings of true love.

About 12-13 years ago I became addicted to 'chatting online'.  My husband was gone alot, and I was quite entertained by chatting with all kinds of people online.  At first it was just a great outlet for me, stuck at home with kids, lonely, a great typist, and a 'writer'... but, eventually, I found myself having inappropriate conversations with men (actually, for all I know they were 12 yr old kids in their parents basements, or 60 yr old perverts, or middle aged lesbians (no offense Tammy ;).  Anyway, one thing led to another, and before I knew it I was meeting a guy in a different town, and ended up in his motel room.... (STUPID STUPID STUPID - I'm probably lucky to be alive).  I talked with him on the phone quite a bit and we met a couple of times (basically nothing happened except 'making out' - I'm so sorry and humiliated that my children have to hear this, but the truths need to be told).  All it took was a 'close call' and I snapped back to my senses.  I immediately told my husband, who was extremely great and forgiving about it  - and I went right to my Bishop, went through a repentance process, and had an amazing experience of the magic of forgiveness and the depth of God's wonderful love.  (btw - I did not do this as 'payback', it was just literally about me and my loneliness, and I let myself get swept away - even after all that my husband had done, and all the hurt he caused me, I still felt terrible to have hurt him like I did).

I think that one of the worst things I did back then, (from the time my husband came out to me, until he went to the Bishop), was that I let my mind become consumed with thoughts of being 'a victim' way too much of the time.  I did have alot of times of feeling strong and committed and faithful.  But too much of the time I got caught up in self loathing, and I imagined how amazed people would be if they knew the truth of what 'hell' I was living.  I spent so much time on my 'pitty pot', when I could have just as easily have been positive and productive and moving forward, in caring for my family, and even in taking better care of myself.  This kind of thought process and behavior is extremely damaging to the heart, mind, and soul - and, I think, for me anyway, is one of Satan's most evil and damaging tools.

I remember how Mr. IDM had somehow established that no matter how bad 'my' life and heartaches were, 'HIS' were worse.    I don't think he was aware of his extreme lack of compassion towards me (even though he absolutely knew I was hurting, he also felt completely responsible, but was somehow unable to care enough to do anything about it).  His own self hatred, and selfish behaviors, made it impossible for him to see that 'I' had issues too.  I occasionally tried to make him see that everything wasn't ALL ABOUT HIM, that I had realized I had issues from childhood, and that all my problems were not because of him,... but he just didn't and couldn't seem to see that.  I actually wanted to set him free from some of the guilt by explaining to him about my personal issues and troubles that I knew existed even before I met him.  It never worked, he didn't believe it, and, he seemed determined to take all the blame.  This was not good for him, and it was not good for me either.  I literally 'wanted' to be acknowledged as a person with 'my own' trials and personal struggles, and enough value to be understood and cared for as well.

Well now, I can say that I AM acknowledged, I AM affirmed, I AM cared for and truly loved for who I am.   I am amazed how,  throughout the past few years,  my husband has changed his attitude towards himself and his attitude toward me.  I am actually overwhelmed at the immediate change that occurred in him when he repented.  He almost instantly was filled with compassion towards me, understanding of 'my' issues, and a genuine desire and effort to help me, be there for me, be my soft place to fall, and help me heal 'my stuff' as he worked to heal 'his stuff'.  It suddenly became all about togetherness, unselfishness, learning together, growing together, becoming best friends, better lovers, better parents, and closer to God as a team, with a shared commitment and purpose to live the gospel of Jesus Christ, and to love each other more fully, more deeply, sincerely and completely.  All of these wonderful and beautiful changes in our relationship happened almost immediately, and since then, they have all just continued to grow stronger and more fulfilling each day.  It absolutely feels like, and I believe IS, literally a miracle.

It seems that although my husband 'does' still have to deal with 'the storm' in his life, (which is his same sex attraction, but certainly to a much lesser degree than it used to be, since now, it is just a minor issue of bothersome thoughts, that he has learned to control)),  and, God does calm His child (my husband), .....

for me, God HAS calmed the storm, and  I am so very grateful, and thankful, and humbled, to be so very blessed.