WHAT KIND OF FOOL AM I?

Some thoughts about why I love my husband

Not long ago, some commenters on our blog stated that our story seems like it's all so peachy and rosie or something like that.  I replied that we certainly didn't intend for it to appear that way, and that we were actually very determined to tell the whole truth, along with all the heartache, misery, dysfunction, and pain.  Yes, alot of our life story IS all about the hell we somehow lived through to ultimately find the happiness and peace we are experiencing now.

So, as we have been working on a new post entitled "Who Hurts Worse",and  writing ALOT about the bad times, the selfishness, etc.  (that's why it's taking so long - cause there's alot of  'crap' to tell), I have been thinking alot about the question that I know many of our readers legitimately have - "Why in the world did I stay?"

The answer to that question can be understood with 'some' consideration of who 'I' am, but more so, as we explore the character of  'the man', and learn more about him.

I am thinking that, hopefully, anyone reading this blog has figured out that I am an intelligent and confident woman.   I was a single mother for several years (another twist to our story); I have some college education; I have managed and ran two of my own businesses;  I have had several quite important jobs, with alot of stress and responsibility for many years;  but ultimately,  and gratefully, I eventually took control of my life and molded it into a career that I absolutely loved, far from the "business' world, and into a wonderful opportunity of doing fun stuff that I love, sharing of myself, and serving others, the needy, the community, and God.   Anyway, I'm no dummy - OK  ;) :)

Our readers must have also discovered that our daughters, Jr. IDefineMe and Eldest IDefineMe, are no dummies either.  Clearly these young woman (in their early 30's 'approximately') are very intelligent, intuitive, and wise, possibly beyond their years.  Our beautiful daughters have each established wonderful, successful, and rewarding lives for themselves.  They each have their own talents and abilities, and are unique in many awesome ways.  But one thing they absolutely have in common is their ability to love unconditionaly, accept all people, and freely forgive.  They each happen to have some differing views on religion and the gospel, but they both have very real and special personal relationships with God, that they have each established through their own individual research, study, thoughtfullness and prayer.  And, last - but certainly not least - they each love and support Mr. IDM & I completely and with such commitment, compassion and love that there are no words to describe our love for, and gratitude to, them.

So, in consideration of  'us girls', our combined intelligence & instincts, and the fact that we so deeply love and support 'our guy', it must be clear to any intelligent and thoughtful person to see that 'he' (Mr. IDefineMe) must be ONE HECK OF A SPECIAL AND AMAZING MAN.   - Yep, he sincerely is  :D.

Wish you all could get to know him as we do.  Let me tell you a little about my husband,... my kids Dad, ... our Heavenly Father's child.

*He is genuinely humble and sweet (but sometimes hides that part of himself with a certain 'roughness' - that we can usually see right through - shhhh,  don't tell him we know the truth ;)

*He loves the Lord and believes 100%, without question or pause, in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  He served an LDS mission and still loves sharing the messages of the gospel to anyone interested to hear.  (He does not, however, say a whole lot about it around the house, or to family, or 'preach' to anyone in any way)

*He prays faithfully morning and night, and probably often throughout the day.  He reads the scriptures daily (usually at night, for a little while from his bed) - he does this because he wants to and believes it brings him strength and peace - not because he feels he HAS TO.   He doesn't quote scriptures much, but the words he quotes sometimes lately is where the Lord says something like, "my sheep shall hear my voice" (sorry, I don't know the exact reference - somebody help me ;)

*He is a wonderful and loving husband.  He is thoughtful and romantic.  He is very compassionate towards me and is very patient and caring as I often deal with a couple of miserable health problems.  He supports me as I mold my life and clearly gets great satisfaction when I am happy.  I've already told alot on here about our personal/romantic relationship, so I will just say that "it's beautiful, completely fulfilling, and amazing".   I know he loves me for 'me', heart & soul, and I know that he thinks I'm beautiful and 'sexy'.  Our love and communication just seems to grow and get better every day.  He doesn't take our relationship for granted, after all we've been through, we know what great effort it takes to build a wonderful marriage/relationship as ours.

*He is an amazing father and grandpa. He would, without hesitation, take a bullet for anyone of his children or grandchildren. And, when ever questioned about his choice of lifestyle, by those on this blog, he responds to us with thoughts of his family and how his desire to someday have 'this exact family' was always a major factor in steering him towards the life he truly wished for and desperately wanted for himself. He just somehow 'knew' that we were all meant to BE.

*He loves  his parents deeply, and although they did not raise him with much talk of God in their home (as a matter of fact, there was actually alot of swearing and taking of God's name in vain), but he is not affected or phased by this lack of spirituality, and he remains true to his beliefs, while never allowing himself to be bothered by their differences, and he never judges their beliefs or way of life. Although drinking alcohol and swearing are two things that are usually frowned upon by 'Mormons", he is completely comfortable around a good share of his family members who, for them, it's a way of life.   He has great respect for his parents, who are darn good, hard working people, who have taught him honesty and respect, and who have sacrificed much for their children, and have stayed married, and committed to their family,  through some terribly difficult times.

*He absolutely never thinks he is better than anyone else, as a matter of fact, he has great understanding and compassion for ALL people, and seems to feel comfortable in most any setting or culture.  He literally travels all over the world for a living and usually ends up making great friends and acquaintances along his way.   Although he is cautious in relationships because of his 'secret', he is definitely not shy, and is probably more outgoing, adventureous, and approachable than many men (gay or straight) that I know.

*He has some great friendships, and some 'interesting' (and even unusual) friendships as well.  People just seem to be drawn to him, although he is far from politically correct, quite rough around the edges, and makes no excuses for his shortcomings & weaknesses.  He is pretty much, what you see is what you get, EXCEPT ONE BIG SECRET, and that truth about himself he protects with every fiber of his being, and has no desire to openly share this information about his same sex attraction with anyone.  (except all of you - our blog readers ;)

*He is an extremely hard worker, and is always happiest when he is busy and working hard.  He has usually always managed to have an "extra" job on the side (sometimes two), and he is often found helping friends and neighbors, giving of himself (for free - expecting no reward), and he is usually completely willing to do my honey-do's (when he's actually home - lol) and he has been known to do alot of my friends honey-do's as well (when he hears complaints that their husbands are dragging their feet - he say's "heck, let's just get it done!")

*He is wonderfully comfortable and a natural with babies and children.  He was very much a hands on helper with our babies/toddlers, etc.  and YES - he changed diapers as well.  (Not as many as me.....of course! lol)  He will cuddle and kiss any baby he can get his hands on, and it doesn't matter if they have a dirty face or a snotty nose - he'll just clean em up and kiss on em some more.  BTW - the feeling is usually mutual, they love him too.

*He has been, and often still is, a father figure (or grandfather figure) to friends, neighbors, and family members who are 'in need' of such a man in their lives.   Some whose father's are deceased,  or not engaged in their lives, or just  'absent' in one way or another.  He has a special place in his heart for the lonely, misunderstood, and/or struggling youth.

*He loves music - all kinds of music - and his ipod is filled with  a diverse collection that could almost rival any music store.  He has an awesome singing voice, that he is a quite selfish with I think.  The only time we get to hear him sing is when he is asked to sing at a family wedding or funeral and he just can't turn down the request - although he usually struggles desperately to prepare and is never happy with his performance in the end.    Trust me, however, it's ALWAYS wonderfully great.  I love to hear him sing.  He sang to me on our first date ;)

*Well, this list could continue on for quite some time, but I think I'll stop here for now.....

SO, - I hope you can see why I stayed through thick and thin, and even endured some horrible years when 'this man' WAS NOT exhibiting all these wonderful character traits at that time.  And, as you will read in our next post, (when we tell of the selfishness, dysfuntion, and heartache), you might think that Mr. IDefineMe seems to have been a completely different man - back then.  But, the truth is, that throughout those years, he was still this great man as described above, it's just that the 'good' and the 'bad' was all rolled into one.   For our family, the sparks of his kindness and goodness and love were still felt and experienced amidst the anger, depression,  dysfuntion, and pain, and I (and my kids) always knew that THE PROS FAR OUTWEIGHED THE CONS. 

What is so interesting and is such an important message from this story, is that how clearly, when Mr. IDM was acting out on his sexual attractions, exploring the gay lifestyle, and satisfying his compelling desires, --he was often miserable, onry,  discouraged, depressed, uninvolved in the family, irritable, obsessive, absent, short fused, intolerant, inpatient, insensitive, selfish, and even mean.  

However, after he took control of his actions, learned to manage his desires, turned away from that life and towards a life closer to his beliefs in God - (in that he started praying, reading scriptures, attending church meetings, and abstaining from obsessive homosexual thoughts and masterbation to homosexual fantasies) his countenance completely changed, and he clearly had found a sense of peace.  He was then, happier, healthier, kinder, more patient,  selfless, compassionate, caring,  easy going, agreeable, fun, funny, thoughtful,  genuinely repentant, lovable, humble, and spiritual in a way that we had never truly seen him before.  What a blessing - what a miracle - WHAT AN AMAZING MAN. (ps - he's not gonna approve of me singin his praises like this, but the truth just has to be told)

It's been a great trial for all involved as this man has evolved, and we, none of us, are perfect either, but we have always believed in him, and have felt his great spirit as he has molded himself, with much faith in God, and proved to himself (and us).... "I DEFINE ME".