AWARENESS, CONFLICT, & RESCUE

**I knew I was gay when I was about 10 yrs old.

In my early childhood years my best friend was a year older than me. He and I kicked around our tiny little farming community with several older guys, (his big brother and friends). Occasionally these older guys would acquire what we called “SMUT” magazines, (similar to playboy), and it was immediately evident to me that I was attracted to the men in the pictures, and not the women. This was long before the onset of puberty for me, because I didn’t reach puberty until I was about 16 years old (like a Jr. in high school- but that’s getting ahead of the story)

So, whenever we gathered to view the "SMUT", I was somehow fully aware that we were there to look at the girls. But I was not even interested in looking at the girls, I just automatically and always looked at the guys. I didn’t even think anything of it at the time, it was just a “turn on” – it was instant.   I didn't even understand the physical side effects of viewing the "SMUT".  And, back then, I basically didn’t even know of the words “gay” or “homosexual” or "heterosexual".

Although I was aware that all the other guys were looking at the girls, and, I somehow knew that I probably should not let anyone know that I was looking at the guys, I truly don’t believe that I even knew anything about homosexuality or heterosexuality back then. I was just a fairly sheltered little farm boy from a very tiny little town. I remember how, at that point, I didn't feel guilt because of the attraction, but I did feel an instinct that it was "not natural", or that something was “wrong” with me? Anyway, I definitely felt guilt relating to the viewing of the pictures and the actions that went along with it.

Back then, the daily activities of this 10-11 yr old boy were not at all consumed by the fact that I was attracted to the same sex. “It” was just a sideline to my life. There was life to be lived; there was Mom & Dad, brothers & sisters, family & friends, and there was all kinds of “kid” things to do (ie: lots of play time in the summer, lots of fishing, riding horses, & lots of other stuff) and “it” (the thoughts, the acts, the guilt & the worries) did not consume my life. But, as I grew older it became more “acute”, and I became more “focused” on the male body (I imagine in a very similar way that the straight guys become focused on the female body).

It  was very frustrating to me that all my straight friends were very focused on the women and I seemed to have blurred vision for the women, and was totally focused on the men. This fact caused me a great deal of anguish, because I knew that I was so different. I also "knew" that I couldn’t tell anybody, and I couldn’t share my feelings or concerns.   I saw no examples of homosexuality in my life or on tv, and for a long time I truly believed that I was the only person on earth with such feelings.  Some of my conflict came from the very undeniable fact that I had the physical anatomy (a penis) which seemed to be obviously designed to fit with the physical anatomy of a woman.  But my mental development (sexual attraction) did not match my physical body, therefore the conflict.

The older I got, the worse it got for me. All my friends were constantly noticing, looking at, and talking about “girls”, … I would be stricken with anguish. I would get a sick feeling and wonder WHY?. Why was I like this? Why was I different? And I often wondered, “how much did God have to do with this”?    I definitely DID NOT feel like God had done this TO me; and I had absolutely no thoughts that I was cursed or being punished,... I just had thoughts and hopes of somehow, someday being RESCUED, and I knew that God was the one who could do that.

I was not raised with much religion, no prayer or teachings of God in our home, although I did attend some church meetings with my friends, and I was baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as a child.  I had always believed in God, and felt a personal relationship with Him, even as a very young child.   The little association I had with the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ were always of a loving and accepting Heavenly Father, and there was never anything said, taught, or implied in those church meetings that lead me to believe that my feelings were bad or wrong.  I know, that at that time in my life,  my personal belief  that my attractions were "not good for me" came from what I call "The Light of Christ", which I believe is given to all.

So, my childhood years and my school years were in some ways a living hell.  I lived alone with my secret, telling no one but God.  God was my only companion through my confusion, I did get some comfort through Him, but mainly, I just wondered IF GOD WAS GOING TO HELP ME?   I wondered if He would RESCUE me from my anguish...... AND NOW,  35 YRS LATER,  I TESTIFY THAT HE HAS.